Man, I Feel Like a Woman

When I was in high school, dick tricks were hilarious. One of the funniest things you could do with your penis was to stick it between your legs and walk around like you had a vagina. My friends and I called it “vagina man,” but I am sure that there are multiple names for this phenomenon. I would imagine that cavemen, once they had finished hunting mammoths and warring with neighboring tribes, also did this. I bet Og and Thor would wait until all the cavewomen were out for girls night and the thought just came to them. It is just funny and immature. Men will continue to do this until long after my time on Earth is through.

Now, actually having a vagina is not something that I envy. I can only imagine the kind of maintenance those things require: the annual checkups, the periods, the babies that come out of them. Yikes. However, there is a new perk that comes with having a vagina. You can be John McCain’s running mate. It is apparently the only requirement for the job.

I imagine the letter that was sent out to potential candidates from his vice presidential committee:

Dear Madam,

This is John McCain. Do you have a vagina? Then I want you. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have made history with their respective candidacies for president, and I am feeling a little left out. I figure that I can make up for my whopping failures in the coolness department by nominating the first woman to be on a Republican Presidential ticket.

Now I have a slight problem. The Republican Party does not respect women and as a result there are slim pickens in the female department. So, who will answer my call? It’s three a.m. and I’m waiting.

Love, John

Well we are in luck, because Sarah Palin, the first term governor of Alaska and NASCAR enthusiast, has answered the call. Jon Stewart put it brilliantly when he compared her to a cross between Tina Fey and every naughty librarian you see in 80s porn. Beautiful woman, really, but also a little bit crazy.

Now the Republican establishment has lined up like good little soldiers to support this new superstar of Republican stardom. Kay Bailey Hutchison, senior Senator from Texas and most qualified Republican with vagina, was very sweet on Fox News when she said, through gritted teeth, that she knew absolutely nothing about Palin but was excited to see the historic nomination. Pro-lifers have gone into a fetal rights frenzy over her Down’s syndrome child and her pregnant teenage daughter. Look at how she walks the walk while she talks the talk, they say. It’s enough to make you want to get pregnant just so you can have an abortion.

Hillary Clinton was even forced to make a comment that equated to “that’s nice John.” I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when Hill-dog found out about the nomination. I am sure that after the Clinton black rage, hate filled musk had settled she said something along the lines of “I didn’t make 18 million cracks in that glass ceiling for this tramp to come in a steal my thunder.” Or at least that's what she should have said.

Can someone say cat fight? Meow. Oh, it’s so on. Let’s see if Palin is lacking in self awareness enough to mention Hillary’s name in her speech at the Republican Convention next week like she did this week when she made her acceptance speech. Sarah, that bitch will kill you. She’s done a lot more for a lot less.

But Senator Lindsey Graham takes the cake. He said on one of those fair and balanced news shows that “any woman that gets up at three in the morning to hunt moose is OK by me.” Quit hitting the sauce, Lindsey. What a stupid thing to say. I am only impressed if after she’s brought down said moose she guts it with her rock hard nipples from braving the arctic tundra.

Gun rights advocates, who have never been to the Southside of Philly, can’t wait to have her appear on next month’s cover of Guns and Ammo. Republicans, however, should be careful about vice presidents who like to hunt. Dick Cheney, anyone? Although, receiving buckshot in the face from a beautiful woman is a bit more tantalizing than from a dried up, two faced, lying windbag.

All in all, I am thrilled that Sarah Palin is running with John McCain. He could not have picked someone less qualified, more anti-woman, more inexperienced, from a more obscure state, or with a hotter bod. Move over Cindy McCain, there’s a new bimbo in town and she doesn’t get her hair color from a bottle. I cannot wait to see Palin and Biden go at it in the debates. She is probably all the wiser to just stick to the naughty librarian routine and at least make it interesting.

So, fellas, the game has changed. What used to be a white man’s sport is now being played by women and black men. Next time you and your friends are bonding with dick tricks, tuck it in nice and tight. While dick tricks will be around forever, having a vagina now has some new perks!

Another One Rides the Bus

In 1979, my parents had just married. The Soviet Union had just invaded Afghanistan. Jimmy Carter was president. Margaret Thatcher had just become the first female Prime Minister of Great Britain. And the rock band Queen had just recorded their hit single "Another One Bites the Dust."

At the time my mother's former college roommate, who I grew up knowing as a friend of the family, was convinced that the lyrics were "Another One Rides the Bus." This fact I do not believe she has ever fully been able to live down. However, if it had been the name of the song, I would have been the inspiration.

Since moving to Seattle I no longer own a vehicle and I ride the bus on a daily basis. I have been all over the city on various buses at all hours of the day and night. Public transportation sounds very hip and environmental conscious. People who drive cars always talk about how they should take the bus to work, if only the public transit systems were better. Well, in Seattle it is pretty damn good. It does not run on time, but it runs frequently and all over town. Regardless of how efficient a public transit system is however, there are some things that just come with the territory when it comes to riding the bus.

There are three main things that can make or break your bus experience on any given day.

1) The individual riders that are sharing the bus with you.
2) The time of day.
3) The neighborhood you happen to be in or going to.

Let's go through each one, shall we.

First, the people that are on the bus with you can make all the difference as to what the next thirty minutes of your life are going to be like while you get your ass downtown.

I am absolutely floored by the number of people that do not wear deodorant and seem to be completely unaware of the fact that they should. In fact, that it was invented for people just like them. I have been guilty of leaving the house in the morning without slapping it on, but this happens very rarely and is always an oversight. I am very self aware when it come to the fragrance that I am exuding out into the world, but I believe this to be a quality that is not shared equally amongst my fellow human beings.

A crowded bus just has that smell. It is hard to pinpoint exactly, but every one's body odor is a little different. When it mixes all together it creates a smorgasbord of musk that hits you like a ton of bricks. This generally only happens when it is raining and every window in the bus is closed. The very best way of dealing with this is to commence mouth breathing. In and out, in and out.

Also, almost without fail an inebriated person will get on the bus. It's two in afternoon. You can only pray that the only empty seat is not next to yours. This person will talk to you. Or slur to you, rather. At two in the afternoon I am not in the mood to put up with this shit, but you just have to turn your ipod up and bury your head a little deeper in your book. That is what you see a lot on the bus: people making a very concerted effort to make it very clear that they are not open to conversation. The first few days I took the bus I thought this was a bit closed off, even rude. After a month, you understand. Because it is never the pleasant people that will try to strike up a conversation. It's the pre-happy hour drunks.

Which brings me to point number two. It's all in the time of day. I do not mind talking to drunks when I am also drunk, coming home from the bar at one in the morning. They're your peeps, your homeys, and it is an appropriate time to be drunk. Context. Its all about context. The bus drivers are also a bit more inclined to help their passengers during the wee hours of the morning by making the regularly scheduled announcements telling you which stop you are at and which connecting buses come to the same location. There is a real camaraderie on the bus at one in the morning. It's beautiful and it makes you believe that there is hope for humanity. That someday we really will all live in harmony, if only we could all be simultaneously shitfaced on Northwestern microbrew.

Point number three in predicting the quality of bus riding experience you will have has to do with the neighborhoods you will be traveling through. Capitol Hill at 9pm on a weekend is thus far my personal favorite. Capitol Hill is the gayborhood of Seattle, and is much larger and much more diverse than any gayborhood in any other major city I have been to, save San Fran. Around 9pm on the weekend the drag queens, on the way to their shows or just to support the team, begin getting on the 49 bus down Broadway Ave. Some have their face painted up in an extravagant display. Some have their scarfs just so place to hide their protruding Adam's apple. On comes a bear, off comes a twink. The picture is not strange to anyone else except the white boy from Texas.

Downtown, for about 20 square blocks, there is a "free ride area." Now the bus only costs $1.50 round trip, and even less if you have a prepaid card, so I would say that a free ride area is largely unnecessary. But it is there, just in case. The City of Seattle most likely intended it for tourists, and as long as you stay close to the water that is generally what you will find. Husbands and wives arguing about which stop will get them closer to the Space Needle. Knowing the wife has it right, but also knowing better than to get involved.

I think that they should rename this area the "homeless ride area." The panhandlers go from one end of the free ride area, work their way to the other end, and then catch the free bus. It really is the perfect gig. Unlike in other cities that I have been to, the homeless here are really very sweet, well meaning people. They will ask you for money, you will tell them no, and then you can have a fairly descent conversation with them. Very meek, very humble. The State of Washington within the last 10 years cut many public mental health benefits, and as a result there was an immediate increase in the homeless population in Seattle. This is what happens when Republicans are in power. It comes with the territory.

Riding the bus is an exhilarating experience. I wake up every day and think, "I wonder what crazy characters I am going to come into contact with today." Because you will, and I do. Everyone here, at some time or another and with varying degrees of pleasure, rides the bus. It is part of the culture, but that means it involves EVERYONE. And, as we know, not all people get along, or want to be in a closely confined vehicle with Jim Beam at two in the afternoon. Perhaps Freddie Mercury was a musical genius of our time, but he could have had one more hit had he only written a song about all the people on the bus.

It's all about me.

It has been many months since my last blog, and many things have changed in my life since that time. Now, traditionally I do not blog about myself. I find it boring to write and probably equally boring to read, but I do feel as though a blog about myself and what I am up to these days is called for.

On July 30th I left Nacogdoches, Texas for the last time and drove across the state to Lubbock to spend five days with my family there. I must say that I never realized Keaton, my cat, was such hooligan in the car. What should have taken me all of 9 hours took me 12. Thank you dear Keaton, and I promise to never take you on a long journey in the car again.

I had moved to Nacogdoches in the summer of 2004 to go to Stephen F. Austin State University, and stayed there 18 months after graduation to work on Business Development for the coffee company I worked for as an undergrad. I was musing recently about the personal growth that happened to me while I lived there.

When I arrived, I had just finished a stint with Youth With a Mission (YWAM) in Tijuana, Mexico building houses. I can build a wicked four wall house with a roof and an outhouse. A good skill to have, I suppose, if you are ever caught in say...Tijuana, Mexico. I was, to say the least, completely entrenched in Evangelical Christianity. I had spent the previous year in New Zealand and India converting Hindus to Jesus, which surprisingly is not hard. They already believe in 300 million gods, what's the harm in 300 million and 1?

Evangelical Christianity has its moments. I mean, you get to go to heaven and hang out with the big JC for all eternity. Also, the music within the last five years or so has become incredibly cutting edge. When I was growing up, Christian music was simply not as cool as secular music. No longer the case; quite an improvement to say the least. However, it has its downsides as well. Unfortunately for me, Evangelicals do not believe in homosexuals. They believe in a personification of evil that rules the underworld, but gays are like unicorns.

Now, I should explain a bit further. According to the handbook, gay people are not real. There is such a thing, however, as "struggling with homosexuality." If you happen to be one of the unlucky people that suffer from said affliction you do have some options. First, you can pledge yourself celibate and marry Jesus, retreating further back into the closet until you find Narnia. Many people do this. Or, you can subject yourself to demonic exorcism. I chose the latter.

I realize that for many people this sounds totally insane, and it is. However, in my defense I lived in a world where this seemed like my only option. This process is very similar to the popular "reparitive therapy" that is practiced by fundamentalist Christian organizations like Exodus Ministries in the United States. To put it in layman's terms they claim that they can change your sexual orientation through a series of sessions where you do plenty of bizarre role playing. If you are really that interested you can youtube it.

So, when I arrived in Nacogdoches this had been my existence for the previous two years. It's a hellish place to be, but as I have learned suffering produces beautiful things in people who make their way through it. Nacogdoches was my cocoon. I arrived there a deeply closeted, self loathing, very confused young adult and emerged quite differently. I suppose a butterfly would be an appropriate analogy, but that's kind of gay.

That's where I've been. Here is where I am. On August 4th I moved to Seattle, Washington. Holy shit. This city is absolutely amazing and full of people that are just like me. Seattle is known for some of the best weather during the summer of any place in the country. Today it was 72 degrees, 5 mph breeze, not a cloud in the sky, and snow capped peaks on all sides. A nice change from East Texas in August. We'll see how I feel in January when I have not seen the sun for two months.

Seattle is also the most intelligent city in the country. I suppose this is determined by the percentage of the population that is college educated. Art, literature, poetry readings, tasty food, Buddhist meditation centers, and beautiful gay men abound in this place. What's not to love? I feel so...blessed.

I cannot wait to see what turns my life is going to take while being up here. In retrospect, everything that has happened to me in my life is an accumulation leading me to this moment. And truthfully, that is all we ever have. This moment, right now.

Alright, that wasn't so bad, but don't expect any more blogs about me. I am going to pick this whole blogging thing back up. I encounter crazy and funny shit everyday in this place and I think, "that would make the perfect blog entry." So, be ready. It's about to get really fun!

The Sky Is Falling!

I encountered two seemingly different points of view today on the subject of the end of the world. It is of interest to those of us who used to believe a certain way about things, and have since entered a Renaissance.

The first subject is that of Pastor John Hagee, and what he is spouting about the End Times. Hagee is a mega-church evangelical pastor in San Antonio that has in large part taken over the terrible void that was left in the evangelical community when Jerry Falwell died, may he rest in relative discomfort. Hagee is seen by tens of thousands of rapture enthusiasts each week, on top of his 19,000 member church congregation. Now, his public statements have come under some scrutiny since he has publicly endorsed John McCain for President. Here are some of my all time favorites:

"Most readers will be shocked by the clear record of history linking Adolf Hitler and the Roman Catholic Church in a conspiracy to exterminate the Jews." - from his book, Jerusalem Countdown.

"All hurricanes are acts of God because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that." -Interview with NPR

"I don't believe in global warming. " -Interview with CNN, October 12, 2007

So, this guy is clearly a great resource to get all your up to date End Times news, right? While I have not actually read one of his books, I pretty sure I catch his drift. I am sitting there listening to him talk about the End Times. The basic drift of his message is this: There is going to be an earthquake of all earthquakes and a great nuclear holocaust in Israel. Then the Antichrist is going to come into the world, get shot in the head and come back to life, implant us all with microchips, and create a one world government and religion that is going to somehow be antithetical to whatever Jesus wants. And, if you don't believe him, he will ensure you that is all in the Bible. I can't remember whether or not the Christians are getting raptured before or after this happens. I am amazed that there are enough people that are into this shit that there is a thriving End Times industry out there that gives this nut the time of day, but I guess it takes all kinds.

Hagee has all sorts of clever ways of taking obscure passages of the Bible out of context and then twisting them to support his fairy tale. He was able, by the end of the interview, to support his view that the Bible says Russia will enter into another Cold War with the United States for control of the oil reserves in the Middle East. Excuse me, what? I would love to play this guy in a game of RISK. I would kick his Bible thumpin' ass.

The idea of oil brings us to the second subject I was confronted with today. There are a growing number of voices in the scientific community that are warning the general public about the reality of what is called "peak oil." Basically "peak oil" refers to the time in the relatively near future when global oil production will peak, and everyday after that humans will pull less and less oil out of the ground. There does not seem to be a good consensus about when this will happen, but almost certainly in my lifetime.

Now, it is important to remember that "peak oil" is not the same as being out of oil. But as demand will only increase due to population and development, particularly in young global economies like India, when oil production peaks supply will decrease every single day after that. So, when demand overtakes supply and the gap keeps getting wider and wider by the day...well, I won't get into the specifics. If you don't understand the problem that this causes, go ask John Hagee.

Everything in our life has been built around the idea that we have an endless supply of cheap energy. It keeps our food supply fully stocked and cheap, makes international trade and travel possible, allows us to heat and cool our homes, and is literally the driving force of the economy. So, as I am watching this program I realize that this scientist on the television is talking about the exact same thing as Homo-hater Hagee: The end of civilization as we know it.

Now, if I was a betting man, I would say that the peak oil people are probably a little closer to reality. I mean everyone can admit that fossil fuels, which come from millions of years of biological decomposition, are a non-renewable resource. So, there is a finite amount of oil on the planet, and we are getting much closer to when our production will peak. And, we have not done our homework in advance to switch seamlessly into a form of renewable energy to keep up with our present usage or future demand. Shit.

So, when we can no longer get into our cars to travel to work, and the food can no longer get from place to place to fill the grocery store, and people can no longer use the same amount of electricity, and when there is a drought you will die of thirst, it will certainly be a different time. But, will this be the tribulation Pastor Hagee speaks about? Not unless the first 15,000 years of human history without oil were just one long, clusterfuck of tribulation. But, you can rest assured that is precisely what people like John Hagee will be telling their loyal followers.

Does it still count as the End Times if you can see the potential disaster coming and choose to continuing living in such a way that is causing it to come faster? What if the problem is not God's wrath on all the feminists and Palestinians, but rather on society's addiction to dirty, non-renewable energy?

A few possible solutions have been suggested to deal with the peak oil crisis. One is to begin to restructure cities and small towns to operate in smaller units. Have every neighborhood provide an economy unto itself in order to provide society with all the essentials of food, water, shelter, and employment all within walking distance of the neighborhood. No car, very limited trade. Any way you cut it, all the solutions deal with cutting back on economic growth while humans perfect the technology of renewable energy to be able to cope with the global future demand.

However, End Timers like John Hagee, consistently point to the certain "signs" of the End Times. Here are a short list of those signs:

1)The rebirth of Israel
2)The invention of the nuclear weapon
3)The invention of international television
4)The Ease of international travel
5)The rise of a global economy
6) The Marvelous Inter-web.

All these things in combination are going to work together to bring about the type of environment where the Antichrist can take control of every single person on the planet, Hagee argues. The Perfect Storm, as it were.

One small problem. If the "peak oil" people are right about this peak oil stuff, then humans are going to experience a problem in being able to keep all these lovely modern advances running cheaply enough to provide them to everybody. The Perfect Storm has just turned South, missing the point completely! Suddenly a large portion of the world's population stops receiving a television signal, and only the very wealthy will be able to afford a plane ticket to another country. Some are even predicting it will be worse.

So, it looks like Hagee might be jumping the gun with the whole Antichrist thing. But shit, he's got to say something or his sheep will stop listening. End Times doom and gloom is big business. And the best part of it is that it's all emotional based sensationalism, so it stands up very well against, say, scientific evaluation. So, when the problems start with the worldwide shortage of energy and all the additional side effects, you will hear people like Hagee saying things like "see, I told you so."

When that time comes, I will pull out this blog, written in 2008, and recall my own version of prophecy. Then, I will turn off the television, which isn't getting a signal anyway, put on my walking shoes, and go out there to campaign for the highest position in the land: President of my local township!

Warning: Reading this may cause cancer.

Every time you crack open an ice cold beer or reach for that pack of smokes, you are reminded by the authority of the Surgeon General of the United States, that your activities could have hazardous effects on your health. A variety of pleasurable activities are consistently deemed "risky" or "dangerous" by the government. And the purpose of all of this is so that you, as an adult, can make an informed decision about what you are getting yourself into. However, there is a governmental warning missing off of a very important activity that millions of Americans perform each week: fundamentalist religion.

If the government called me up and asked me to formulate a warning label which was to be stuck into the preface of all religious texts (including, but not limited to the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, the Joel Osteen books, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Papal Decrees, Mel Gibson movies, and O Magazine) it would read something like this: The Surgeon General has concluded that believing every word in this book came directly from God can cause difficulty functioning in the real world. Risks include, but are not limited to, delusions of grandeur, actively preparing yourself to be raptured, inability to reconcile reality with your world view, the acquisition of an imaginary friend, and your inability to understand those that you love most.

I think that would adequately describe the symptoms of someone who thinks that their way is the only way to understand God, or the world, or love, or war, or peace, or the afterlife. However, the illness lays dormant for some time before the symptoms appear. The symptoms are generally brought up upon some sort of world view conflict where the stakes are too high to keep ignoring the inconsistencies. Unfortunately, the longer you have held these beliefs and the more time, money, and effort you have invested into your way being the "divine truth," the harder the fall.

Every fundamentalist at some point is going to have to come to terms with the fact that they have been lied to. Lied to by their spiritual leader, the manipulation of their holy book, and their community of friends that constantly reinforced their belief system. Religion takes perfectly kindhearted, well meaning individuals, and turns them into propaganda and recruitment soldiers for the cause. And, just like terrorists, religious leaders use extreme fear to influence the behavior of the general population. Although, the threat of burning in hell for all eternity is a bit more extreme and painful than any terrorist attack the world has yet seen.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this, is that it is done under the guise that somehow they are speaking for God. Fuck you guys! I am pretty sure that if God was to talk to people, it would not be these people. And to top it all off, spiritual leaders are self appointed ideologues that claim to be sent by God. That has got to piss Him off! However, he truly must be patient and loving, because for more than 4000 years he has allowed these psychopaths to mistake their personal reservations about human behavior and quest for political power as His words. When you're convinced that God conveniently hates all the same things that you hate, rest assured that you're an asshole.

Having a strong sense of spirituality is to be praised. Feeling a connection to the source of all life is a divine thing. Religion, however, is toxic. And it will eventually catch up to you. So, next time you see a "God Hates Fags" sign, or hear some right wing nut going on about how God is crying about all the aborted babies, or that catastrophic disasters are God's judgment on those who do not believe the same way that they do, feel free to extend your middle finger. I mean, it is your God given right.

And remember, next time you pick up that bible, or step into that church or mosque: fundamentalist religion may be hazardous to your health.

The Attack of the 50 foot Mexican Woman!

So, a little more than a month has past since my last entry. I have had a few people ask me recently if I had given up blogging, but I assured them that I was merely taking a hiatus. Really, I could not think about anything funny to write about. I guess February just was not a particularly funny month for me.

There is something that I have been thinking about lately, however. Now I realize that I probably follow politics more closely than some. It is like my Super Bowl, if you will. Only is more like the Olympics, with the every four years thing and all.

I truly believe that politics, with the issues that get addressed in a campaign season and the political conservations that occur in large and small settings, offer a very candid picture of where we are socially in this country . And the picture is slightly dismal.

Due to the dynamics of the individuals that are left in this presidential race, two of the oldest "isms" have been given a chance to get some fresh air: racism and sexism. Perhaps it is the case that one or both of these two "isms" will be a critical factor in the outcome of the election in November, much like homophobia was conjured up to Bush's advantage in 2004.

Now, I am not talking about racism in the form that most people are familiar with. One thing this election cycle has revealed so far is how racism in this country has shifted. The Democratic Party is currently in the position to select either the first female or African American nominee for President. An African American presidential nominee would not have been socially possible 30 years ago. Now, Obama's ethnicity is almost an advantage for his campaign because part of his appeal to young voters is the symbolic nature of what his presidency would say about the success of the civil rights movement.

Meanwhile one of the primary issues on the campaign trail, at least for the Republicans, is the issue of illegal immigration. Regardless of how much they may try to come at this issue from the standpoint of national security, there is simply no denying the fact that an element of racism rears its ugly head in this debate. This is obvious in the way that they approach solutions to this immigration problem. The immigrants themselves should be punished, jailed, fined, deported, and then sent to the back of the line.

Now given the economic realities of what is driving this mass pilgrimage, these undocumented workers are not doing anything that any other rational human being would do given their situation. Providing basic necessities to their families in Mexico and Central America trumps U.S Immigration Law in their eyes, and there is never a shortage of employers that are willing to fly under the radar to help alleviate their labor costs. So, it is really hard to buy into this whole argument that these immigrants are in some way destroying America. If you want to attack the problem you don't need to build a fence. You need to punish the people with the power and the money that are creating the environment ripe for undocumented workers to come here. To do it the other way around is to draw a line between "us" and "them." The debate is framed in terms of the "patriotic Americans who defend the foundations of this country and its borders" and the "people who come over here for a free handout and a suckle on Lady Liberty's teet." I don't know about you, but I have never met an illegal immigrant that was "well off" or was living the high life. It's fucking hard work. Give them a break!

Here is the point. Racism against African Americans is not only much less prevalent than in the past, it is also met with harsh consequences when it happens. Remember Don Imus, anyone? But, a racist sediment against Latinos seems to be on the rise, and is useful to certain politicians trying to push "wedge issues." Granted, it is not blatant racism in the way blacks in the South were treated for generations. That kind of racism is no longer acceptable, and that in an of itself indicates major progress. But, politicians need to actually tackle the cause of this immigration and the current realities that fuel it, rather than pander to whatever fucked up part of the human brain evolved to be afraid of that which is different.

Another reality that the current political campaigns reveal about American social life in 2008 is that sexism is far more acceptable than racism. If Hillary Clinton was a man, which some might argue that she secretly is (which ironically underscores my exact point), she would have had the nomination in the bag long ago. The Clintons are adored by Democrats and reviled by Republicans. But, the reality is that...she is a WOMAN! Oh my God! We can't have a woman running the country! What is going to happen during those days when her hormones cause her to act crazy towards other world leaders! And she cries on the campaign trail! She showed how weak she really was when she took back that cheating husband of hers! Bitch. Jesus Christ, does it get more Lifetime movie than this shit?

These are the most common reasons, or protests, I hear from people that hate Hillary Clinton. Now, in their defense they have hated her since the dawn of time. They did not like her in the 90s and now that she is clearly the woman who has come the closest to the presidency in American history, she is certainly something to be feared.

Now there are plenty of reasons to like or to dislike Hillary's campaign and the thought of another Clinton presidency. (Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton. Am I seeing a pattern?) You can have problems with her heath care plan, or her position on NAFTA, or her vote to authorize the war, but her gender is not a legitimate attack. It would be great to see her judged primarily by the ideas in her head rather than the plumbing between her legs. She is an intelligent, independent, outspoken firecracker, and society is not yet at a point were they can handle all that from a woman.

This sexism has its historical roots even deeper than American racism. Remember what the Bible says about women? Sit down, shut up, and ask a man later on. For generations in Western culture women were the property of their husbands. In parts of the world today, women have to endure the cutting of their clitoris because their sexuality does not belong to them. It belongs to their husband, but not the other way around. It is this ugly tradition that creates the deep seeded fear so many people have about women in leadership. One needs only to look at the success of female leadership in Great Britain, Germany, New Zealand, Chile, and India to see that the world does not stop spinning on its axis because a man is lead by or take orders from a woman.

But the basic argument against Hillary Clinton from on the far right that oppose her comes down to just this. To chalk Hillary up to a "loud mouth bitch" is not to say anything that has not been said over and over again by the far right for the past 15 years. A sexist slur like that is commonly overlooked. You will not, however, catch them using a racial slur when attacking Barack Obama. Can you imagine the outrage? Although, Bill O'Reilly did recently say that he did not want to go on a lynching party for Michele Obama. Whew, thanks for clearing that up, Bill. See, that's real progress. Change we can believe in, as it were.

So, what does this all say about American society? Well, you could take the high road and say that while we have made great progress with the racism against African Americans in this country we need to dispel all racism from our politics. We could also acknowledge that the way that many of us view and treat women is based archaic beliefs and that must change! Or, you could just find yourself a Latina immigrant in a leadership position and work yourself into a frenzy. A "mullet fantasia" if you will. I can assure you the politicians and commentators who want to play the race and gender card this season are hoping for the latter.

Coming to a bookstore near you!

One of the most popular things for publishers and authors to do these days is to "expand and update" previous non-fiction bestsellers. You see it all over the place. Just walk into any Barnes and Noble and try to get out of there without being bombarded with books that are in some way different than their original publications. New chapters, new prologues, the whole nine yards.

One book is noticeably absent from this list of expanded and updated books: The Bible. Now, this presents a problem because if any book is in desperate need of some clarification, revision, author's explanation, and a fresh re-release it is the Bible. In reality, there is nothing wrong with the Bible, except for the fact that fundamentalist Christians (which are so plentiful down in these parts) believe that every word written in the Bible is the divine word of God. That part of the brain that tells you, "OK, this was written a really long time ago by men that were completely influenced by their cultural and social setting" has been deprived of oxygen too long. This is why it must be revised, explained, updated, and include a forward both by Oprah Winfrey and Sir Elton John.

I can just see it now: "Welcome to this new, improved, and revised edition of the Holy Word. Girl, this ain't your momma's Bible. And it ain't gonna try to make me no slave. So, stop feeling bad every time you pick up the good book. Oh no girl, this Bible will help you remember your Spirit. It will be featured this month in my book club. So, join Gail, Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Steadman, the fab five, and myself as we read through this great new edition of a timeless classic. Truly, Oprah"

"Thanks Oprah, I could not agree more. That's correct folks, this edition of the holy scriptures is going to turn King James on his head. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll actually want to become a Christian! It makes Sodom look like the fabulous place it must have been, exposes Paul for the closet case we all suspected he might be, and brings the dusty, old prophets to life. Don't let the sun go down on you without reading this fresh edition. It will be your candle in the wind, your song, and it will make the Sabbath night alright with you! Can you feel the love tonight? I can. So pour yourself a nice cup of tea, put on your favorite pair of eccentric sunglasses with matching Technicolor Dream coat and wade around in this lovely number. Could not recommend it more. Chao, Sir Elton."

It, of course, will have rave reviews written in bold text on the back cover.

"It brought the old, anti-women, genocidal, racist, bigoted verses to life in a new way. I recommend it to anyone who has ever been forced to sit in church as a child."
-Tori Amos, hardcore, no nonsense, bitch.

"I just could not get enough of the new Leviticus. It's like they brought sexy back, but it a whole new way. You won't even want to shave your sideburns or eat pork."
-Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson impersonator.

"This is the most blasphemous thing that I have ever read. All you faggots are going to burn in hell. Vote Giuliani!
-Pat Roberton, dirty asshole.

"Where my gays at? Oh, reading the new Bible, of course! This new Jesus sure knows how to party, doesn't he? Water into wine, whatever. That's so 29 AD. How about a Tom Collins with a twist of lime or dirty vodka martini with extra olives. You'll find all this and more inside. I'm down with you, new Jesus. Call me!"
-Kathy Griffin, charming, red head loudmouth extraordinaire.

"The Christians are going to flip their proverbial shit! Love it. LOVE IT! It is so in step with the latest science that I simply am speechless. I take back every bad thing I ever said about the B-I-B-L-E. It really is the book for me! "
Richard Dawkins, atheist astrophysicist.

"I was skeptical, but this version really is the greatest story ever tizold. The pop up pages for this limited edition version of the book of Revelation got me hizooked. It is off the chain. I don't want no 666, yo."
-Snoop Dogg, gun totin', mother fuckin', rapper.

"I am rolling over and over, again. May God have mercy on your souls. You people that read this book are the reason 9/11 happened."
Jerry Falwell, six feet under.

"The blooper appendix was my personal favorite. Who knew Moses could be so funny? That kidder! 11th commandment, thou shalt be hilarious!."
-Ellen DeGeneres, comedian, talk show host

"A Black Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. This pasty white Jesus adopted by the Roman Catholics centuries ago is not going to bring new hope to America. Only a soulful, swing low, sweet chariot Jesus can do that. Pharaoh, let my people go, indeed!"
-Rev. Jesse Jackson, crazy civil rights leader.

"These pages bump, bump, bumped me into a new understanding of God's divine word. I bet the front cover looks great. I sure wish I could hear people talk about it!"
-Helen Keller, inspiration to us all.

And perhaps the most important endorsement:

"I am so glad that someone came along to paint me in hip, cool kind of way. Because I am hip and I am cool. Many of my followers just don't get it. Remember when I called them "sheep." Yeah, that wasn't a parable. Special thanks to Oprah, and my boy Elton for pushing this new version. The angels love it, and the saints simply cannot get enough of it. So, pick yourself up a copy. I give it the triple threat seal of approval, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I told you I was coming back!"
-Jesus Christ, currently seated just to right of the big guy upstairs.

So, what do you say. Wouldn't it be wonderful? A new version of the Bible: expanded and updated for today's society. No more condemnation, homophobia, sexism, racism, slavery, burning, boils, leprosy, fear, hatred, or Southern Baptists. Just imagine. Coming to a bookstore near you!