Coming to a bookstore near you!

One of the most popular things for publishers and authors to do these days is to "expand and update" previous non-fiction bestsellers. You see it all over the place. Just walk into any Barnes and Noble and try to get out of there without being bombarded with books that are in some way different than their original publications. New chapters, new prologues, the whole nine yards.

One book is noticeably absent from this list of expanded and updated books: The Bible. Now, this presents a problem because if any book is in desperate need of some clarification, revision, author's explanation, and a fresh re-release it is the Bible. In reality, there is nothing wrong with the Bible, except for the fact that fundamentalist Christians (which are so plentiful down in these parts) believe that every word written in the Bible is the divine word of God. That part of the brain that tells you, "OK, this was written a really long time ago by men that were completely influenced by their cultural and social setting" has been deprived of oxygen too long. This is why it must be revised, explained, updated, and include a forward both by Oprah Winfrey and Sir Elton John.

I can just see it now: "Welcome to this new, improved, and revised edition of the Holy Word. Girl, this ain't your momma's Bible. And it ain't gonna try to make me no slave. So, stop feeling bad every time you pick up the good book. Oh no girl, this Bible will help you remember your Spirit. It will be featured this month in my book club. So, join Gail, Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Steadman, the fab five, and myself as we read through this great new edition of a timeless classic. Truly, Oprah"

"Thanks Oprah, I could not agree more. That's correct folks, this edition of the holy scriptures is going to turn King James on his head. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll actually want to become a Christian! It makes Sodom look like the fabulous place it must have been, exposes Paul for the closet case we all suspected he might be, and brings the dusty, old prophets to life. Don't let the sun go down on you without reading this fresh edition. It will be your candle in the wind, your song, and it will make the Sabbath night alright with you! Can you feel the love tonight? I can. So pour yourself a nice cup of tea, put on your favorite pair of eccentric sunglasses with matching Technicolor Dream coat and wade around in this lovely number. Could not recommend it more. Chao, Sir Elton."

It, of course, will have rave reviews written in bold text on the back cover.

"It brought the old, anti-women, genocidal, racist, bigoted verses to life in a new way. I recommend it to anyone who has ever been forced to sit in church as a child."
-Tori Amos, hardcore, no nonsense, bitch.

"I just could not get enough of the new Leviticus. It's like they brought sexy back, but it a whole new way. You won't even want to shave your sideburns or eat pork."
-Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson impersonator.

"This is the most blasphemous thing that I have ever read. All you faggots are going to burn in hell. Vote Giuliani!
-Pat Roberton, dirty asshole.

"Where my gays at? Oh, reading the new Bible, of course! This new Jesus sure knows how to party, doesn't he? Water into wine, whatever. That's so 29 AD. How about a Tom Collins with a twist of lime or dirty vodka martini with extra olives. You'll find all this and more inside. I'm down with you, new Jesus. Call me!"
-Kathy Griffin, charming, red head loudmouth extraordinaire.

"The Christians are going to flip their proverbial shit! Love it. LOVE IT! It is so in step with the latest science that I simply am speechless. I take back every bad thing I ever said about the B-I-B-L-E. It really is the book for me! "
Richard Dawkins, atheist astrophysicist.

"I was skeptical, but this version really is the greatest story ever tizold. The pop up pages for this limited edition version of the book of Revelation got me hizooked. It is off the chain. I don't want no 666, yo."
-Snoop Dogg, gun totin', mother fuckin', rapper.

"I am rolling over and over, again. May God have mercy on your souls. You people that read this book are the reason 9/11 happened."
Jerry Falwell, six feet under.

"The blooper appendix was my personal favorite. Who knew Moses could be so funny? That kidder! 11th commandment, thou shalt be hilarious!."
-Ellen DeGeneres, comedian, talk show host

"A Black Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. This pasty white Jesus adopted by the Roman Catholics centuries ago is not going to bring new hope to America. Only a soulful, swing low, sweet chariot Jesus can do that. Pharaoh, let my people go, indeed!"
-Rev. Jesse Jackson, crazy civil rights leader.

"These pages bump, bump, bumped me into a new understanding of God's divine word. I bet the front cover looks great. I sure wish I could hear people talk about it!"
-Helen Keller, inspiration to us all.

And perhaps the most important endorsement:

"I am so glad that someone came along to paint me in hip, cool kind of way. Because I am hip and I am cool. Many of my followers just don't get it. Remember when I called them "sheep." Yeah, that wasn't a parable. Special thanks to Oprah, and my boy Elton for pushing this new version. The angels love it, and the saints simply cannot get enough of it. So, pick yourself up a copy. I give it the triple threat seal of approval, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I told you I was coming back!"
-Jesus Christ, currently seated just to right of the big guy upstairs.

So, what do you say. Wouldn't it be wonderful? A new version of the Bible: expanded and updated for today's society. No more condemnation, homophobia, sexism, racism, slavery, burning, boils, leprosy, fear, hatred, or Southern Baptists. Just imagine. Coming to a bookstore near you!

Yes, We Can

I simply cannot pass up the opportunity to express with what joy I received the news of Barack's solid victory in South Carolina. This victory was in no way similar to Hillary's marginal wins in New Hampshire and Nevada. No, this was a 28 point victory. Voters from each demographic came out to vote for him 2 to 1 against the other candidates. I can only hope that this trend carries over into Super Tuesday on February 5th.

Barack Obama is a figure that America hardly recognizes anymore. The eloquent prose with which Obama projects his message fall on ears that have not heard such things since my parents were small children. There has never in my lifetime been a man with so much political potential, charisma, charm, or vision. I truly feel excited about the prospect of voting for him, in a way I have not felt about anyone I have voted for in the past.

This country is a dry, parched wasteland after the last seven years of Bush Administration policies. We are more divided than ever, more hateful than ever, more violent and fearful than ever, and along comes a ray of hope.

I grew up in a world where things were impossible. It was impossible have a black man, or a woman, become president. It was impossible to be honest about who you really were on the inside. It was impossible to question whether what you were being taught was the truth. It was impossible to stand up against the status quo, to create a new order. Fear controlled and consumed me. Kept me silent. Kept me invisible.

Yet, here is a man that tells me, "Yes we can." It is a simple, yet profound message that stirs the inner longings of the human spirit. We need to recognize the opportunity we have, as Americans, displayed before our eyes. There will be other chances, but let's take this chance. Let's realize Dr. King's dream. Let's carry on the tradition set by the great presidents and civil rights leaders of our history. Let's unite to elect a man who is hungry and passionate about leading us in a new direction. Someone who inspires us. Someone who gives us something to be proud of. Don't do it for the children. Do it for yourself.

Let the Games Begin

OK, so the time has come for me to weigh in on the Presidential Election that we have coming up, and all of the wonderful candidates that we get to see every time we turn on the TV. I am a lover of politics, and all things political. Really, things would be better if I ran the world, but I realize this is just never going to happen.

What in the hell is up with these Republican candidates? I mean, seriously. This is bottom of the barrel kinda shit, folks. What a bunch of homophobic, apocalyptic assholes. This is "scrape that resin outta this pipe so we can get high just one more time" kinda bullshit. Pure poppycock. That's right, I said it: poppycock. When they are not jerking off President Bush, or talking about how well the war is going, they are out there on the campaign trail talking about changing the Constitution to fit God's law.

"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution," Mike Huckabee told a Michigan audience on Monday. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Now, I am no fool. I am sure that Mike Huckabee does not really believe this. Just like I am sure that most of the candidates really could give two shits about gay marriage or a woman's right to choose. However, their constituency does. Talking about the Ten Commandments and how the Mexicans are stealing all of our jobs really gets these people horny.

I imagine a Republican primary porno going something like this: "Oh, John, tell me about what you're going to do to all the illegals coming across the border. Oh Mitt, you're such a bad boy with your special underpants, tell me more about how much you're like Ronald Reagan. Rudy, tie me down, pull my hair, spank my ass and talk about 9/11 some more while you rock those high heels." And of course, you have Huckabee in the corner touching himself under a trench coat. Because we all know that penises are dirty. You get the picture, and it is not pretty.

This is why you have gotta love primary season. The general election is fairly tame in comparison. But, the extremes from both parties get really worked up and the candidates line up to compete for who can be the most crazy. For the Democrats, its who loves black people the most. Who is the most disgusted with President Bush? Who is going to bring free lasik eye surgery to all Americans in the first 100 hours of being sworn in? Who is going to raise the minimum wage to $15 a hour? You know, that kinda stuff.

But the Republicans are just so much more fun to watch. This is for one simple reason: the extremes of their party are just so much fucking crazier than the Democrats. They hear voices from God, hate the poor, are scared to fucking death of gay people, think Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity are news broadcasters, and simply cannot wait until Ann Coulter's new book drops. The only thing that would make these folks any stranger would be the observance of some form of animal sacrifice.

I would like to know how many of you out there have ever been fired from your job to be replaced my an immigrant who does not speak English. I have heard this happens in alarming numbers, but have never actually seen it happen. Also, I would like to meet all the divorcees whose marriages feel apart when Adam and Steve moved in next door. I also have heard that this is becoming tragically common. Also, I am completely baffled by how many lower middle class Americans love the Bush tax cut. I hope you spent that $250 wisely. Its like a little puppy that loves you because you let him eat the scraps that fall onto the floor, even though your fat ass is the one having the feast. But, I digress.

Honestly though, I would not want to have a election process without Republicans because their social conservative base is just so ripe for the satirical picking. You can always spot them with their mullets, patriotic t-shirts that somehow always incorporate a flying eagle and a tattered American flag, and NRA bumper stickers. The combination of redneck, hick Jesus (not to be confused with social justice Jesus), guns, taxidermy, Rush Limbaugh on speed dial, business in the front, party in the back, Islamaphobia, and Chuck Norris is almost too much for this guy to handle.

Ah, yes. And we have ten months to go. Let the games begin.

Not in Kansas Anymore

Ok, let me set the scene. I am just settling in for the evening. Shiner in hand, listening to classic rock on Pandora. Just seems like one of those nights, you know?

I wrestled with my "voice" for this thing. How should I sound? It would be great to sound clever, intelligent, and witty at all times, but I can promise this will not be the case. So, just a little disclaimer, get over it now. I figure I will just be myself and write the things that I think. I am the only person who is even going to read this thing anyway, right?

However, tonight I want to share with you an experience that I am sure many people out there have not had the pleasure, or perhaps pain, of experiencing: Going to a small town gay bar!

First, let me say that I have copious amounts of respect for small town gay bars. People that open small town gay bars in the south assume a certain amount of risk and certainly face societal pressure that owners of straight bars do not. I have nothing but love for these people. For the rural gay community a small town gay bar is vitally important. Sometimes you just want to hang out with gay people and not worry about outward impression. There is a certain amount of calm about being with people like yourself, and that's not gay, that's human. That said, let's make fun of them, shall we?

Just to make sure that you have the right picture in your head, please refer to the picture at the top of this post. A little larger, mind you, but you get the idea. Here in East Texas, perhaps the gays are trying to camouflage their bars so that the Evangelicals (evees) can't so easily identify which ones to picket. In fact, a small town gay bar is not for all gays. If you're a gay from a major metropolitan area, use caution. You are not in Kansas anymore.

The main reason for this is that the gay community is about as homogeneous as the straight community. So, when there is only one gay bar within a 50 mile radius, suddenly there are people all crammed into one bar that really should never be under the same roof.

First, gay men and lesbians do not like the same music. You know you're in small town gay bar when the jukebox appears to be in some sort of bipolar episode. "Cupid's Shuffle" is followed by "My Sacrifice" by Creed and then Britney Spears precedes Kid Rock. Lesbians love sweet guitar rifts and gay men just want to be able to rub up on each other to a techno beat. I think that God intended this all along and gets a real kick outta seeing the scene play out from his fabulous throne in the sky.

In fact, not quite appreciating the dynamics of the situation after my fourth beer, I turned to the lovely lesbian sitting next to me that I had just met after a Pat Green song came on the jukebox and said, "God, what straight person put this song on?" To which she replied, "I like this song." Of course she did.

However, gay men and lesbians, particular in small town gay bars, know that they have to share and be nice. Let me set the scene: A very well kept gay man, with toned muscles, plucked eyebrows and a skin tight button up, is cohabitating in a bar with a butch lesbian, dawning the latest flannel, unbuttoned, with white cotton undershirt. It conjures images of the Lion and the Lamb from biblical days. Not to say that a small town gay bar is like heaven, there are no members of the local Church of Christ present. I'm just sayin'.

Ok, so gay men and lesbians need their own bars, or at least separate nights. But, even with this adjustment it would not solve the quirkiness of small town gay bars. Now, I really don't know anything about lesbians and don't claim to, but gay men come in all varieties. All shapes, all sizes, different fetishes, different desires, differing levels of masculinity/femininity, differing appreciation for leather, cock rings, body hair, bondage, etc. You get the idea. So, in a small town gay bar, the leather daddy's, drag queens, metro gays, preppy gays, macho bisexuals, trannies, and confused straight people all gather under one roof. You can only imagine how
the situation is ripe for comedy.

One thing that I have learned is that gay people do not like each other. We cry for tolerance and then meticulously judge each other. This is intensified in a small town gay bar because you know, given the small sample pool, that somebody done slept with somebody. And that somebody is now with someone else, and the first somebody is not happy about this. Watch out! A bitch about to get hit. This tension, while not overpowering, is present.

Small town gay bars are also lacking in something that makes their larger city counterparts more desirable: lots of hot men, some with their shirts off. However, there is always someone who seems to think that, even though they are not adequately "working it", they can show up in skin tight clothes meet some other scene kid there and then do the dirtiest dancing to Cher, while no one else in on the dance floor. Now, if you are genuinely hot you can get away with this. But, you really have to be sure of yourself, or you turn into "that guy" really quick. And there are always those guys at a small town gay bar.

Another thing that will happen with a fair degree of regularity at a small town gay bar, is you will get hit on my someone who is far to old to be hitting on you. I used to be slightly bothered by this, but I have now come to accept this as something that is just going to happen. Most of these people are totally harmless, but they will attempt to booty dance with you inappropriately if you give them even the smallest of opportunities. When you are over 35, a small town gay bar is not a good place to try to meet someone 15 years your junior. But, it never fails. Maybe they don't know about the Internet.

The other thing that you find in many small town gay bars, or in particular a regular bar that has a "gay night", are straight people that are trying to access the situation that they find themselves in. Given that the gay bar in a small town is often camouflaged, straight people do indeed sometimes wander in. And, when you are not expecting it or looking for it, it might take a few minutes to figure out what is going on, and that you have made a mistake. Now, I am not taking about straight people who come to the gay bar with their gay friends. No, we love you people. I am talking about the couple who looks like they live just outside the city limits and have come into town to get their woman drunk so she'll be more complacent when he has sex with her later. These people react one of two ways. A) They never figure it out and wonder why all the women look like construction workers or B) they do figure it out, and they leave.

Now, what is very fun is when you are going into the bar just as someone who figured out what is going on inside is coming out. You don't get the friendly head nod. Oh, no, you don't. It is more like they look at you like you are some form of foreign life form. Not necessarily in a hateful way, but just in a way that says "I had no idea you people lived here."

But, we do live here. So, thank God for small town gay bars. Without them, those of us that do live here would go insane. And, if you ever get the chance and feel like you're up to it, you should go to one. Its not pretty, but its real. And you can't ask much more than that.

Well, hello me and you.

So, I am decided to take the plunge into the blogosphere. About three years past the trend and not a second too soon.

Let me take a moment to formally welcome all of you (yes, all three of you) to my blog. I think some strange, humorous, clever, and bizarre things. I have musings of a solitary nature, that thanks to this thing may not be so solitary anymore.

So, let's get started, shall we?