My Interview with Carrie Prejean

I recently got the chance to sit down with Carrie Prejean, beauty queen and gay marriage expert, here at the Values Voters Summit. She was the keynote speaker on the first night of the conference and was preceded by many Republican elected officials and national evangelical leaders. The following is a heavily edited transcript that before transcribing it here looked as though it had been blacked out with sharpie marker by the Bush Task force on terrorist interrogations.

Me: Thank you so much Carrie for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk with me this afternoon. I understand that you've been quite busy.

Carrie: Yes, happycamper, I have. Thank you for noticing how awesome the plan is God has for me. It's my pleasure to be with you today.

Me: Now Carrie, let's remind people of the moment that you rose to national stardom. I believe it was when Perez Hilton, gossip blogger of the stars, asked you a question about gay marriage and Proposition 8 that was on the ballot in California. Is that right?

Carrie: Yes. I was asked a question about gay marriage by an openly gay man and I stood up for what I thought was right...which was opposite marriage, of course. And I received a lot of slack for that, but really it's all been to God's glory.

Me: In what way was God glorified by you taking a stand against a state court ruling regarding civil marriage at the Miss USA beauty pageant?

Carrie: Frankly, happycamper, I am shocked by your closed mind. Shame on you to question my motives.

Me: Never mind. Do you find it odd that the religious right has chosen you to be a spokesperson for the gay marriage issue going into this next round of elections?

Carrie: Not really, happycamper. You see, the Republicans seek out real folks. They want to represent the American people and provide a platform for them to voice their concerns with the way things are changing and they're giving us a chance shout "no more"! Not in my America! No not opposite marriage! Not this time!

Me: You clearly feel passionately about this issue, but what exactly are your goals and what is your presence in the debate going to add to the national conversation over how we extend to thousands of families the civil rights that a majority of others enjoy?

Carrie: I'm just doing it all for the glory of God. And honestly, I am shocked at the intolerance of some people regarding my intolerance. We live in America! It is a country where we can have both, tolerance and intolerance, and same and opposite marriage, and it's un-American to have it any other way. This is why I would like to take this time to announce my candidacy for President in 2012. Sarah Palin and I will be running the together. Quite frankly, happycamper, it will awaken every Republican man's conserva-boner. Watch out liberals, because opposite marriage is about to come all over America's face and there is nothing you can do to stop me..er...I mean... it...now.

Me: Carrie, I am offended by the language and lack of civility regarding an topic that is really only a headline issue for a small portion of the Republican party's constituency. Can we please clean up the conversation and discuss this topic with some dignity and respect?

Carrie: Ok, here's the deal, Drew-ski. I don't really know that much about gay marriage. Before I was asked that question in the beauty pageant I had just thrown up my lunch and was feeling a little bit weak. I said the first thing that came into my head, and now I've just got to go with it. I have this index card here that details nine principals and twelve values and I am not supposed to deviate from it in any way. This group of Value Voters validates my insecurities as a person and hangs on every word that I say. I guess they are unaware that "opposite marriage" isn't even a real thing. I mean this is way better than becoming Miss USA. Fox News in my back pocket and the wind blowing up my skirt.

Me: Bitch, I don't think that's wind. And that last sentence was a fragment.

Carrie: Suck it, homo.

Me: Touche, my dear. Well, thank you for your time Carrie. I know that its always difficult to carve out some time at a big summit event like this, particularly when you have to go the 9-12 Project Boot Camp every morning. Folks, that all from the Values Voters Summit 2009 in Washington, DC. I have to shuffle on to the main stage where I hear Roy Blunt is going to tell a racist joke about President Obama and some woman will say to an applauding audience that abortions should be performed in a public setting. You can watch Carrie's speech from the Summit here. You can't make this stuff up, guys.

The Doctor will see you now.

The health care debate is heating up. I must say that regardless of your position on this issue, it is a nice debate to be having for once. It's a break from the 'how much torture is too much' debate, or the 'I know the WMDs got around here somewhere' debate. It is a debate being lead by someone who can complete a sentence, and when Obama speaks about health care you get the feeling that he knows what he's saying. That in itself is a breath of fresh air. Also, it's about something that genuinely effects the quality of life for millions of Americans.

As one of the 40 million uninsured in this country, I have been following the debate with a degree of interest. The single payer system, which is used across much of Europe and Canada, seems to be off the table at this point. The private insurance companies simply have too much power in Washington, D.C. and those in Congress are too cowardice to bite the hand that feeds them. So what will most likely happen is we will get a bill that props up the private insurance companies by subsidizing policies for those that cannot afford it on their own. The insurance companies win and we will continue to waste billions of dollars in administrative costs. Even those insured will be at the mercy of what their insurance company will decide to cover.

This is not actual health care reform. It might be considered health care 'improvement'. A single payer system, where everyone pays to a single entity, usually the government, for a standard of health care, is what we need in this country. That is actual reform that would cover everyone. You get sick, you go to the doctor, you get your prescription, it costs you nothing above what you have already paid in taxes, and you go home. Is it socialized medicine? Yep. It is. Just like our socialized education system, police forces, public transportation systems, and postal service.

The larger question posed in this health care debate is whether or not a basic standard of health care is a right that comes with being an American citizen. At some point in history we as a people decided that education fell into this category. President Carter created the Department of Education to help regulate the basic standard of education that every child, even those of undocumented immigrants, would receive. Not every public school is up to the same standard and our education system has its share of problems, but every child has access to a teacher and a classroom. They can learn to read and write and think for themselves.

Imagine if you will what our country would look like if you had to purchase private insurance so that your child could go to school. It would insure generational poverty and create a caste system that would manifest all sorts of social issues between classes. Your parent's can't pay now, then you miss out the foundational building blocks of success that could help you rise above your situation in the future. This is what our health care system looks like from my perspective at the bottom.

All this talk of reform, however, has awakened the conservative scare machine. They have taken a momentary break from eating Sarah Palin's pussy to paint for us the horrific picture of what an America with a single payer health care system would look like. I find it hard to believe that anyone listens to these guys anymore, but apparently their message of fear still resonates with many people. There is no example of health care tales gone wrong in other countries that they have not incorporated into their talking points. "A guy I know in Canada had to wait two months for gall bladder surgery," they say. "He almost died." Well, that may be true, but 40 million of us in this country are not going to be having any gall bladder surgery, and we might actually die.

Even with a single payer system that covers every American, private health insurance is not going away. This is the other big conservative lie. They claim that it will stifle competition in the industry and hand us and our health over to the evil government. What they fail to mention is that there are plenty of private companies that compete just fine with the U.S. government. Take UPS, FedEx, private schools, taxi cabs, and a wide variety of security services that successfully compete with their 'socialized' counterparts as some examples. There will always be the wealthy that will purchase their own insurance to received this, that, or the other service not covered in the public plan. And there will be plenty of private insurance companies happy to take their money and provide them coverage for their boob job, chin lift, late term abortion, and lasik eye surgery.

I guess as a person that currently does not have access to health care through no fault of my own, I tire of these Republican talking points. They see Obama's commitment to reforming health care as an Achilles heal they can attempt to exploit. Senator Jim DeMint, a Republican from the south, said last week that "If we are able to stop Obama on this...it will break him." And that about sums up the debate. While Obama works diligently to bring the type of reform the American people voted for last year, the Republicans are going to do their best to stand in the way, make him look unable to lead in this arena, and then use it against him three years from now. This is not a debate about which reform is best. It is between doing something and doing nothing. If I am wrong in understanding the dialogue this way it is because the Republicans are not letting the American people in on their excellent ideas to reform the health care system. I can only assume it's because they don't have any.

Whether or not you agree wholeheartedly with any of the bills that are making their way through Congress at the moment, I have to hand it to the president for placing health care reform at the top of his domestic agenda. He has learned from the mistakes of the failed attempt in 1993, and has a comfortable relationship with our Democratic congress. And maybe....just maybe, I'll be able to go to the doctor some day. What a thought.

Hundred Day Assesment

Today is Barack Obama's 100th day as President of the United States. Much has been accomplished in a short time, and the era of Bush seems like such a distant past. President Obama has ordered the closing of Guantanamo Bay, banned the practice of water boarding (torture), passed a much needed stimulus bill against the will of the vocal minority, and rallied moderates to secure a filibuster-proof senate. He also has completely changed the tone of the presidency from a secretive office full of backroom meetings and lobbyist handjobs, to a more open sense of governance. Obama, to date, has held more press conferences and made more public appearances than Bush did in his entire first term. You remember, the term where we were attacked by terrorists and started two wars.

It is clear that Obama is interested in bringing the American people along on his presidential journey. He wants to be clear about his agenda and get it across to people that feel left out of the fold in American Politics. He has made appearances on the Tonight Show and ESPN to reach out to an audience that may not be inclined to watch a press conference or read a policy report but that certainly have a stake in the success of his platform. You don't have to agree with him, but most of the country does, and at least you can't criticize him for being inaccessible or clandestine.

The shell of the Republican Party that is left after the 2008 election is in a state of sad disarray. They had been downgraded to a regional party, namely the South, where most of the stupid people live. In search for leadership, they have handed the party over to the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks of the world. Sure, they have an audience. Limbaugh boasts an audience of about 15 million listeners a week. It sounds like a lot, but to put it in perspective it is only 13% of the people that voted in the last presidential election. With 13% of the electorate at your beck and call you can stage a lot of "teabagging" protests. You can also bitch and moan on Fox News, badmouth the president, and rant about how we are becoming a "socialist nation," but you can't win elections. That 13-20% percent of the electorate represents the far right wing of the party that has taken over and dominated the GOP over the last three months. Like moderate Muslims trapped by Taliban leadership, moderate Republicans have no voice, although they exist in larger number than you would expect.

It feels like George W. Bush is light years away. He bought a mansion in Dallas and rode off into the sunset. Good for him. He is doing and acting exactly the way a wildly unpopular ex president should. He is working on his memoirs, which should be out as soon as he can figure out how to spin it into something positive.

Other former elected leaders are not extending us this courtesy. Dick Cheney has been quite vocal about certain national security policy changes. Seriously, who the fuck cares what the most unpopular vice president thinks about anything? Does the right wing think that by parading Cheney around the different news shows criticizing the Obama administration that they are going to make any converts? It's about as effective as the Britney Spears instructional video Secrets to a Happy Marriage and Effective Child Rearing. This is what Cheney has to offer the country.

When I was growing up my father's favorite response to inquiry was "No." That is because "no" is easy. It requires little effort to vocalize and can be said in a variety of ways without offering an alternative. The Republican Party has become the party of "no". No health care, Nobama, no taxes, no gay marriage, no reproductive rights, no economic stimulus, and no fun. Ever. But also no definable alternative that has a chance in hell of becoming a reality in the current political climate, either.

Obama has just completed a stellar first 100 days in the White House. However, the hard work will continue for the next 1,360 days left in the first term of his presidency. The Republican Party better get on board and start the work of the minority party. This means that you work toward concessions that you can live with within a larger policy agenda that you don't necessarily like. You lost the election. Suck it up and move forward with a positive outlook. Senator Specter defected yesterday and he might not be the last. The 2010 midterm election campaigning and posturing is going to begin in about six months, and you don't want to be the party of "no" against a majority whose president has a 68% approval rating. Show us that you would like to win some elections again.

Underestimating Large Groups of Stupid People

The conservative movement has run into some semantic issues recently that I feel a duty to point out and correct.

When I plop my balls in your mouth, or brush them against your chin, or bounce them ever so slightly atop your forehead, I am "teabagging" you. It is a sexual act that only a man can perform on another person. Nothing else. However, the new wave of conservatives protesting the president's new tax code are using the term to refer to sending him tea bags in the mail as a symbolic act of solidarity with the Boston Tea Party-ers.

To all you conservatives out there participating in such "tea parties" on April 15th, please stop saying that you are "teabagging" the White House. It's actually quite funny and a bit clever, but us liberals have serious questions about your sanity and intelligence and we don't know whether to laugh with you (for coming up with a Daily Show style pun) or laugh at you (because you have no idea what "teabagging" actually refers to).

I tend to gravitate towards the latter response and here's why: major GOP party leaders are using the term, as well as all the pundits on Fox News. When I heard Ann Coulter talking about "teabagging" the president I had two thoughts: 1)anatomically impossible, and 2) I hope that my parents aren't talking to all of their friends about how they just can't wait to teabag President Obama. I actually sent them this email today due to my concern:

Hope you guys had a nice Easter. I got your little package in the mail yesterday. The pictures are super cute. I'll scan them into my facebook when I get a chance.

Also, I don't know if you guys have any plans to attend one of these infamous "tea parties" I keep hearing Fox News talk about on April 15th, but if you do please refrain from using the term "teabagging" to refer to them. "Teabagging" is the slang term used for when you put your scrotum on someone's face. Always has been and always will be. When I heard Ann Coulter say that she was going to "teabag" the White House I was concerned that perhaps you might be going around talking about "teabagging" the President. Yikes.

Just looking out for ya,

Andrew

I do my duty to my family, what can I say.

However, regardless of whether or not Ann Coulter and Greta Van Susteren plan on filling Obama's mouth with their huge teabags, there is a larger, historical issue here. Any student of history knows that the Boston Tea Party of 1773 was an event planned by revolutionary colonists to spur a violent response by the British and to protest the idea of "taxation without representation" in regards to the Crown's exorbitant tariff placed on tea in the colonies. Rather than return the tea to Britain, which other colonies had done, the Bostonians chose to destroy the tea in the ocean. Great Britain responded with the Coercive Acts, which essentially closed commerce in Boston harbor and prompted the convening of the First Continental Congress. The congress passed a series of provisions that demanded certain legislative action by the British and blah, blah, blah, the Revolutionary War started.

The parallels with the current tea parties, which Republicans think are so clever, pretty much stop with dumping tea into the water. However the act of protest at the Boston Tea Party was that the tea was never paid for. That was the revolutionary act. That was what made the British so angry. The only creatures getting angry here are the fish, who's palates are not yet refined enough to appreciate Lipton's brew. Are you beginning to understand why we think you're with stupid?

The other order of semantic business refers to my last blog post and the National Organization for Marriage (NOM). Apparently many, many people have weighed in on their fear-fuck-fest ad that is all over the internet and on the tele in certain inbred communities. In response to all the negative attention, the NOM has announced a new initiative called "Two Million for Marriage." But, in order to connect with the texting, twittering, facebooking, culture out there, NOM has shortened the name of the program to the text friendly 2M4M.

Please google "M4M." I don't expect straight people to really know what it means, but I do expect for the National Organization for Marriage to know their enemy. At least know what you think is so intolerable. Please open wide while I drop my balls in your mouth. I like them gently sucked and generously licked. And a little ass play never hurt anyone, either.

Conventional Sex

So, as promised, I am going to sit down and write about the political conventions that occurred last week. I am a little behind schedule, but I've been busy, and I don't get paid for my opinions about things...yet.

Convention week is the huge orgasm that finally releases after more than a year of foreplay and necking. I will always think fondly upon foreplay and necking as I thumb through my high school yearbook, but as you grow it tires. First go the Democrats, then the Republicans. So, I will honor that order in the spirit of being fair and balanced.

The Democrats came out swinging this year. By all accounts it should be their year. The have a rockstar for a nominee, a wildly unpopular sitting President from the opposing party, and an energized electorate. One small problem: it was hard to tell what was more important this week, Barack Obama or how Bill Clinton is feeling about Barack Obama. There is such a thing as bowing out gracefully, and the Clinton's don't seem to be interested.

Now I suppose that I am showing my age here, but Bill Clinton means very little to me. He was president from the time I was nine until I was a senior in high school, and I was much more concerned with the zits on my face and "being cool" than his foreign policy or sexual indiscretions. However, up until he opened his mouth during his wife's primary run, he was adored by everyone in the Democratic Party. Like Ronald Reagan for the Republicans, only with more game. I do know this: Barack is cooler than Bill and Bill hates this. During the primary, his political genius of the 90s was overshadowed by his small child assuring you that his dad could beat up your dad. I don't know, Bill, my dad wrestled in high school.

It is also apparent that the Democrats have suddenly discovered the Lord, or rather the votes that the Lord can swing their way. To my shock, Barack Obama and Joe Biden are actually Christians and not Muslims, and to prove it they are going to talk about God and feature speakers that talk about God in every speech. I know that God is big business, and that the American electorate is horny for religiously sounding rhetoric, but if I was advising the party I would say to let the Republicans keep all the Jesus shit. Whatever. Pro choice, pro gay rights, pro humble foreign policy Democrats are never going to be able to compete with the Republicans in the crazy Christian department. Can't we just take solace in fact that we are smarter than them, more elite, better read, more educated, and less dependent on fairy tales? No? Ok, fine. Who's in the house? The big JC is the house! I am falling out already.

But the highlight of the convention belonged to Barack Obama and his final speech at Invesco Field before 75,000 adoring fans. Even Christ did not have to feed crowds this large. He could not have delivered a better performance. Anyone who does not want this person to be our president, to represent us to the world, to heal the wounds that have slowly bled for the last eight years, and bring fresh life into the White House, clearly has not been paying attention.

On to the Republicans. I was much more interested in, and watched much more of, the Republican National Convention this year because free tickets to the freak show are always better than learning something new and being challenged to make your country a better place. Now, really I do have to hand it to the Republicans this time around. They got lemons, and made some pretty good lemonade.

Change. I give you a quarter, you give me two dimes and a nickle. This is what this election is all about. Both sides agree and are chanting the mantra. It is because George W. Bush is the most inept president of all time and there is very little that does not need to be changed. But, this is really not quite fair. By definition the Democrats offer change (can't wait for the Libertarian comments), but the Republicans are just so damn good at convincing their enthusiasts (as well as those just watching the freak show) that they actually offer change. Now, this does not make any sense unless you are at the 2008 Republican National Convention. Theme: the last eight years are all in your head. Clearly.

The first night of the convention was overshadowed by Hurricane Gustav slamming into the Gulf Coast. I would mention the foreshadowing this natural disaster would indicate if you were writing fiction, but I think the relationship is obvious and trustworthy. Cindy McCain and Laura Bush reminded the crowd to "take off their Republican hats and put on their American hats." Not two hours later, the camera panned the crowd and a man was wearing a construction hard hat that said, "DRILL HERE!!" with a Houston Oilers logo above it. I can only hope he was referring to his skull to relieve the pressure of his swollen brain. Apparently the ladies had forgotten to mention the third type of hat that appears so commonly and the Republican Conventions. Clearly they make hats in 'redneck.'

Larry, Moe, and Curly opened the second evening that I watched. Huckabee, with his wit and charm told the adoring crowd that he supported John McCain for President. For our future, for our children. I like Mike, and I think that we would get along quite well for the most part.

Fred Thompson, who has been off the radar since his dismal performance in the primaries gave a surprisingly energetic oration and looked well rested and bronzed. John McCain is not only a troublemaker, but he is the leader of the troublemakers. Clever. The crowd, that hated Bill Clinton's troublemaking, went wild.

Rudy Guliani got stuck on track 3 and 9/11 was heard over and over until someone hit the machine and it skipped to track 4, Mitt Romney. Now, I love Mitt Romney for the Republicans, because all the Christians seem to forget that he is Mormon. He wipes his ass with hundred dollar bills, as to not stain his special underpants.

I would not even mention it, expect that I was raised Christian and I know that Christians hate Mormons. Apparently not as much as they hate liberals. Yet, no one at the convention seemed to think that it was weird when Mitt talked about the threat rich elitists from Massachusetts present for the country.

John McCain had his acceptance speech, and I was shocked to learn that he had been a POW in Vietnam. Wow. If the qualifications for president require you to endure the same treatment that the previous American President implemented for prisoners of war, then John McCain is our man. This man is at least as prepared to be president as Al-Akmed Tulanbar. I'm down.

The lack of self awareness is precious, almost cute. It makes the whole convention so much better viewing than the Democratic Convention. I just wish it was complete with a huge mud pit, girls in bikinis, and large assault rifles. Enter Sarah Palin. Priceless.

This is why the Republican Convention is so fun. The delegates. The loyal followers. The true believers. They know the routine and they are so hot for it. The event is interchangeable and largely irrelevant. You could be at a Jeff Foxworthy concert, a monster truck rally, a Billy Graham revival meeting, or the Republican National Convention. They can even wear the same outfit to each event and no one notices.

They just stand there and jerk off all over the flag. The last one to come has to eat it, and they will do so gladly. Live on national television. Who doesn't want to watch?

I am not much for cuddling after I've climaxed. So, you are not going to get anymore political rants out of me until after the election. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Don't mind me if I just roll over and go to sleep. If you have to leave before I get up, I threw your underwear between the bed and the wall in the heat of passion. Call me.

Let the Games Begin

OK, so the time has come for me to weigh in on the Presidential Election that we have coming up, and all of the wonderful candidates that we get to see every time we turn on the TV. I am a lover of politics, and all things political. Really, things would be better if I ran the world, but I realize this is just never going to happen.

What in the hell is up with these Republican candidates? I mean, seriously. This is bottom of the barrel kinda shit, folks. What a bunch of homophobic, apocalyptic assholes. This is "scrape that resin outta this pipe so we can get high just one more time" kinda bullshit. Pure poppycock. That's right, I said it: poppycock. When they are not jerking off President Bush, or talking about how well the war is going, they are out there on the campaign trail talking about changing the Constitution to fit God's law.

"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution," Mike Huckabee told a Michigan audience on Monday. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Now, I am no fool. I am sure that Mike Huckabee does not really believe this. Just like I am sure that most of the candidates really could give two shits about gay marriage or a woman's right to choose. However, their constituency does. Talking about the Ten Commandments and how the Mexicans are stealing all of our jobs really gets these people horny.

I imagine a Republican primary porno going something like this: "Oh, John, tell me about what you're going to do to all the illegals coming across the border. Oh Mitt, you're such a bad boy with your special underpants, tell me more about how much you're like Ronald Reagan. Rudy, tie me down, pull my hair, spank my ass and talk about 9/11 some more while you rock those high heels." And of course, you have Huckabee in the corner touching himself under a trench coat. Because we all know that penises are dirty. You get the picture, and it is not pretty.

This is why you have gotta love primary season. The general election is fairly tame in comparison. But, the extremes from both parties get really worked up and the candidates line up to compete for who can be the most crazy. For the Democrats, its who loves black people the most. Who is the most disgusted with President Bush? Who is going to bring free lasik eye surgery to all Americans in the first 100 hours of being sworn in? Who is going to raise the minimum wage to $15 a hour? You know, that kinda stuff.

But the Republicans are just so much more fun to watch. This is for one simple reason: the extremes of their party are just so much fucking crazier than the Democrats. They hear voices from God, hate the poor, are scared to fucking death of gay people, think Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity are news broadcasters, and simply cannot wait until Ann Coulter's new book drops. The only thing that would make these folks any stranger would be the observance of some form of animal sacrifice.

I would like to know how many of you out there have ever been fired from your job to be replaced my an immigrant who does not speak English. I have heard this happens in alarming numbers, but have never actually seen it happen. Also, I would like to meet all the divorcees whose marriages feel apart when Adam and Steve moved in next door. I also have heard that this is becoming tragically common. Also, I am completely baffled by how many lower middle class Americans love the Bush tax cut. I hope you spent that $250 wisely. Its like a little puppy that loves you because you let him eat the scraps that fall onto the floor, even though your fat ass is the one having the feast. But, I digress.

Honestly though, I would not want to have a election process without Republicans because their social conservative base is just so ripe for the satirical picking. You can always spot them with their mullets, patriotic t-shirts that somehow always incorporate a flying eagle and a tattered American flag, and NRA bumper stickers. The combination of redneck, hick Jesus (not to be confused with social justice Jesus), guns, taxidermy, Rush Limbaugh on speed dial, business in the front, party in the back, Islamaphobia, and Chuck Norris is almost too much for this guy to handle.

Ah, yes. And we have ten months to go. Let the games begin.