Dirty Toothbrushes

Seattle is a sexually liberated city compared to, say, Nacogdoches, Texas. This is no more evidenced then by Dan Savage's column in The Stranger, a local newspaper. His "Savage Love" column is Ann Landers tied up, stripped down, spanked raw, and fucked hard. Only without the wrinkles and heavy aroma of moth balls.

Savage honestly has the best job in the world. He is a sex advice columnist that happens to be gay, which I suppose makes people very comfortable in writing to him some of their most kinky fantasies and naughtiest pleasures. Every week the letters that get printed seem almost too outrageous to be true. A heterosexual male is having trouble finding a woman who is comfortable strapping it on and giving it to him in the ass while he is wearing her bra and panties. A mother, snooping around in her adult daughter's house, finds a closet full of leather toys, bondage accessories, and BDSM pornography, and wonders what she should do about it. An inquisitive reader wonders what is the proper protocol for dealing with a unexpected situation involving anal sex and poop.

All of this is printed in a newspaper that is available for free at every store in the city. If you can read, you can read this. You will see women in their sixties reading it on the bus in the middle of the afternoon, and you think to yourself "I wonder what she thinks about the woman who can only have an orgasm if she smokes pot right before sex, but needs advice about how to keep her dry mouth wet for oral sex." Then, come to think of it, this woman was probably the one who wrote in.

Growing up in Lubbock, Texas, where the wind never stops blowing and periodically the sky turns the dark brown color of the city's soul, sexual deviancy is not discussed and certainly not written about in a weekly periodical. The sex education that I received in public high school would shock most of my friends that grew up in other areas of the country.

The man who was responsible for the vast majority of the sex education in the public schools of Lubbock, TX was a guy named Ed Ainsworth. Sex Ed, as he was called. Ed was a local youth pastor by day and a self appointed sex gestapo by night. I am not sure what was going through the mind of the school board on this decision, but who knows why anyone does the things they do?

Now Ed had this certain charm to him. Something that just made you never want to have sex. The core of his teaching, and what I remember to this day, was that if you had sex before you were married you were like a dirty toothbrush. You would not want to use a toothbrush that someone else had used, right? And who wants to marry a dirty toothbrush if they are passing clean ones at the dentist? So don't have sex, kids. Oh, and condoms don't work, so don't even try.

However, I would use a toothbrush that someone else had used if you washed it with soap and hot water, or if it was treated with antibiotics, or better yet if it was encased inside a condom while the other person was using it. Or if this other person was a good friend of mine and I knew where his mouth had been. In fact, looking back I suppose it is a miracle that my toothbrush and I still have an amicable relationship considering it is has been in a few mouths over the years. But, I digress. I would imagine that a column like Savage Love would not go over very well in a community like this. Or be really boring.

Dear Dan,
My wife and I were having our monthly sexual encounter when suddenly she screamed out "Oh, God, yes." I was quite startled by the outburst and particularly concerned that she broke the second commandment. How can I keep her from shaming the Lord while remaining fruitful and multiplying in the missionary position.
Hopelessly Holy and Horny

As a culture at large we are taught to be ashamed of our sexuality, but I think that this is particularly true of the South. We are constantly inundated with the idea that sex is dirty and bad and is to be saved for marriage. I am not really sure where this started, but human beings have evolved to shun everything pleasurable in the search for divine truth. This includes all forms of sex, drugs, feather boas, and RuPaul. Somehow this endeavor has left us desperately disconnected from each other, our divine nature, and even our own bodies.

This becomes apparent when you blush reading Dan Savage's column. Most of the things that are in there are not really that strange. All kinds of people have anal sex, we are just taught not to talk about it. It is not nice. You know, I would wear black lace panties and high heels while spanking my partner with wet celery if that was what he was in to. It's not really my thing, but I think its fine. It would certainly break up the monotony of the work week. Please, hold that imagine of me in your head just a moment longer... :-) Black. Lace. Panties.

It shows some cultural progress that a person like Dan Savage is able to do what he does. If some of us are willing to air our dirty laundry, maybe we eventually realize that we all have it. That we all like to get a little freaky. That it is nothing that we should be ashamed of, can actually improve your love life, allow you to discover part of what being human is all about.

Sometimes I think that I would like to try my hand at being a sex advice columnist. At least it would never get boring. I mean, what exactly are the qualifications? I have had sex and seen porn. I also have a degree in political science, and we all know that politicians have dirty adulterous sex in public bathrooms. In fact, I think "How to give and receive a blow job through a glory hole 101" was a class I had to take to get my degree. Or at least it should be in order to prepare you for the political world. So, if any of you out there have any kinky sex questions or hot fetishes you would like for me to comment on, send them my way. I think I could at least do as well as Dan Savage. And it will give me something to talk about while I am not talking about politics before the election. Whatdaya say, let's share our dirty toothbrushes with each other.