Farewell, Sarah

Kevin and I settled in last night to watch Sarah Palin's Farewell Address from Fairbanks, Alaska. It has been 10 months since she first graced us with her appearance on the national stage as John McCain's running mate. And she had a nice run of it. She brought more attention to Alaska and the inner workings of her government then she knew what to do with, and had a mastery of foreign and domestic policy that left something to be desired. But, God is she hot. I mean, look at that picture. She's a fox who hunts moose. The words that come out of her mouth might not be smart, but I'll be damned if their not pretty. She's every Republican man's fantasy personified.

Last night's address was an interesting recipe of Alaska state politics with a dash of rhetorical chiding for the national media and their inability to understand her. Why can't you see how brilliant I am, she cried before an adoring crowd. She played the valiant martyr willing to crucify her governorship so that she and her followers might achieve greater glory in post-Palin Alaska. She has other sheep in other pastures, as it were.

While she is talking, you almost get lost in what she's saying. She's breaking up with you, but it's not you, it's her. She was not ready for a relationship. You're a great guy, Alaska, and you'll meet someone else someday. She's gotta go to save you from how rich and famous she's about to become. Now that she's not tied down with you, she'll have so much more time to find herself. And you know she's right; it has gotten tiresome dating the most popular cheerleader at school.

I thought it would be fitting to leave you with some memorable quotes that Sarah has left us with in her brief time in the public eye. Sarah, we know you ain't goin' away, gurl...but here's your tribute for life in public office.

-"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border."- Sept 24, 2008

-"They are also building schools for the Afghan children so that there is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan." -October 5, 2008

--"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?"- July 2008, short months before excepting the VP spot on the Republican ticket.

-"[T]hey're in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom." - October 21, 2008, incorrectly answering the question she herself had asked a few months prior.

-"I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't." -Palin's response to a City Council Member who complained that she was outside her authority to spend $50,000 renovating the mayoral office.

-"I don't know if you're going to use the word 'terrorist' there." - October 23, 2008, when she was asked if those that bomb abortion clinics are terrorists.

-"We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ...We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." -October 16, 2008

-"I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I'm going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also."-explaining to us all why she would not be answering the questions at the vice presidential debate, October 2, 2008

Sarah, you have a way of leaving us perplexed. Certainly not politics-as-usual. We can only assume that Sarah will be rearing her head at Republican fundraiser dinners and co-hosting a show with Oprah Winfrey next time we she her. She's a fierce diva that deserves more than the governor's mansion can offer her. I can only hope they call the show "Paling around with Palin."

Sarah, you will be missed as an elected public official. It's not nearly as fun when some crazy Fox News host says these things. Your command of language was so Bushian, and your beauty was that of a thousand Carrie Prejean's.

The Doctor will see you now.

The health care debate is heating up. I must say that regardless of your position on this issue, it is a nice debate to be having for once. It's a break from the 'how much torture is too much' debate, or the 'I know the WMDs got around here somewhere' debate. It is a debate being lead by someone who can complete a sentence, and when Obama speaks about health care you get the feeling that he knows what he's saying. That in itself is a breath of fresh air. Also, it's about something that genuinely effects the quality of life for millions of Americans.

As one of the 40 million uninsured in this country, I have been following the debate with a degree of interest. The single payer system, which is used across much of Europe and Canada, seems to be off the table at this point. The private insurance companies simply have too much power in Washington, D.C. and those in Congress are too cowardice to bite the hand that feeds them. So what will most likely happen is we will get a bill that props up the private insurance companies by subsidizing policies for those that cannot afford it on their own. The insurance companies win and we will continue to waste billions of dollars in administrative costs. Even those insured will be at the mercy of what their insurance company will decide to cover.

This is not actual health care reform. It might be considered health care 'improvement'. A single payer system, where everyone pays to a single entity, usually the government, for a standard of health care, is what we need in this country. That is actual reform that would cover everyone. You get sick, you go to the doctor, you get your prescription, it costs you nothing above what you have already paid in taxes, and you go home. Is it socialized medicine? Yep. It is. Just like our socialized education system, police forces, public transportation systems, and postal service.

The larger question posed in this health care debate is whether or not a basic standard of health care is a right that comes with being an American citizen. At some point in history we as a people decided that education fell into this category. President Carter created the Department of Education to help regulate the basic standard of education that every child, even those of undocumented immigrants, would receive. Not every public school is up to the same standard and our education system has its share of problems, but every child has access to a teacher and a classroom. They can learn to read and write and think for themselves.

Imagine if you will what our country would look like if you had to purchase private insurance so that your child could go to school. It would insure generational poverty and create a caste system that would manifest all sorts of social issues between classes. Your parent's can't pay now, then you miss out the foundational building blocks of success that could help you rise above your situation in the future. This is what our health care system looks like from my perspective at the bottom.

All this talk of reform, however, has awakened the conservative scare machine. They have taken a momentary break from eating Sarah Palin's pussy to paint for us the horrific picture of what an America with a single payer health care system would look like. I find it hard to believe that anyone listens to these guys anymore, but apparently their message of fear still resonates with many people. There is no example of health care tales gone wrong in other countries that they have not incorporated into their talking points. "A guy I know in Canada had to wait two months for gall bladder surgery," they say. "He almost died." Well, that may be true, but 40 million of us in this country are not going to be having any gall bladder surgery, and we might actually die.

Even with a single payer system that covers every American, private health insurance is not going away. This is the other big conservative lie. They claim that it will stifle competition in the industry and hand us and our health over to the evil government. What they fail to mention is that there are plenty of private companies that compete just fine with the U.S. government. Take UPS, FedEx, private schools, taxi cabs, and a wide variety of security services that successfully compete with their 'socialized' counterparts as some examples. There will always be the wealthy that will purchase their own insurance to received this, that, or the other service not covered in the public plan. And there will be plenty of private insurance companies happy to take their money and provide them coverage for their boob job, chin lift, late term abortion, and lasik eye surgery.

I guess as a person that currently does not have access to health care through no fault of my own, I tire of these Republican talking points. They see Obama's commitment to reforming health care as an Achilles heal they can attempt to exploit. Senator Jim DeMint, a Republican from the south, said last week that "If we are able to stop Obama on this...it will break him." And that about sums up the debate. While Obama works diligently to bring the type of reform the American people voted for last year, the Republicans are going to do their best to stand in the way, make him look unable to lead in this arena, and then use it against him three years from now. This is not a debate about which reform is best. It is between doing something and doing nothing. If I am wrong in understanding the dialogue this way it is because the Republicans are not letting the American people in on their excellent ideas to reform the health care system. I can only assume it's because they don't have any.

Whether or not you agree wholeheartedly with any of the bills that are making their way through Congress at the moment, I have to hand it to the president for placing health care reform at the top of his domestic agenda. He has learned from the mistakes of the failed attempt in 1993, and has a comfortable relationship with our Democratic congress. And maybe....just maybe, I'll be able to go to the doctor some day. What a thought.

Fuck you, I'm hot.

There is a drag queen living inside of me. I've known this for quite a while. She first appeared when I was about five years old, just about the time I discovered the four inch red pumps in the dress up box at my grandparents house. I would put those shoes on and this fierce diva would emerge. I gave face, face, face. I would sashay, turn, and chantey. Usually I was Dorthy Gale from the Wizard of Oz, but occasionally, particularly around Christmas time, I was the Virgin Mary. And I was fucking five.

On New Year's Eve this year, I had a very interesting text message interaction from someone who clearly had the wrong number. We'll call her Shameka.

Shameka: Hey Cochina! Whatcho wearing tonight, girl?

Now, at this point, I had a choice. I could choose not to respond, or to inform Shameka that she has the wrong number. Or I could do this:

Me (as Cochina, my inner queen): Oh girl, you know I have to wear those hooker boots I got on clearance and that skirt from Nordstrom Rack that makes my ass sing.

Shameka: So, u saying that I should dress up 2, grl. I just don't no what 2 wear.

Cochina: Please girl, you always look hott. Can't wait to see how sexy we are tonight.

Shameka: I guess I can wear that black dress with the half calf heels.

Cochina: Meow... work it.

Shameka: Oh, now I'm excited! Can't wait 4 the party tonight!

Cochina: Me neither, diva. C U soon!

I thought that I would get another text message within an hour or so from Shameka that inquired who was at the other end of this phone number...but I never did. But that night I was reunited with my inner drag queen. The thought of strutting my curvaceous ass covered in thin, black material around a room kind of excited me. All the boys drooling over my heaving tits that were just half a size too large for the halter top I was wearing, made me smile. Oops, my nipple just popped out. I'm so naughty...Are you here to give me some discipline?

Over the years you lose touch with your inner drag queen. She recedes under the pressure of social acceptance. It's cute when you're five and really faggy when you're thirteen. However, Kevin and I have recently been making our way through RuPaul's Drag Race. It's a combination of America's Next Top Model and Project Runway for drag queens on the LOGO channel. And it doesn't get any more fabulous than this.

The show started out with nine drag queen superstar wannabes and each week Ru, in all her wisdom, would demand that the weakest queen "sashay away." As the competition got tougher and the number of queens were whittled down, I was increasingly impressed by the genuine talent that these girls displayed. Most bio-girls would be at a loss to keep up with these ladies.

The show was actually giving me insight into the drag community and breeding in me an understanding of what they do and the role that they play in the larger picture of queer culture. It was about week four that I had a huge realization: These men, who live quite happily as men in every other aspect of their lives, are doing what every gay kid did when they were five. The natural draw to be a superfierce diva has turned into a career for these guys, and many of them have had to endure a lot of ridicule to achieve the level of performance they have.

Some of the girls are more believable than others, but that's where the fun begins. The genderqueer, androgynous queens that blur the line between masculine and feminine have a lot to teach us about ourselves. They show us how razor thin many of those lines are and are brave enough to throw on some heels, makeup and a dress that somehow conceals the roll of quarters they're smothering between their legs, just to give a hearty "Fuck you" to the status quo. Fuck you for saying I can't, fuck you for making me feel less than, fuck you for calling me a fag, and most importantly fuck me because, bitch, I'm hot.

I may be shaving my legs this Halloween. Cochina likes them smooth.

Hundred Day Assesment

Today is Barack Obama's 100th day as President of the United States. Much has been accomplished in a short time, and the era of Bush seems like such a distant past. President Obama has ordered the closing of Guantanamo Bay, banned the practice of water boarding (torture), passed a much needed stimulus bill against the will of the vocal minority, and rallied moderates to secure a filibuster-proof senate. He also has completely changed the tone of the presidency from a secretive office full of backroom meetings and lobbyist handjobs, to a more open sense of governance. Obama, to date, has held more press conferences and made more public appearances than Bush did in his entire first term. You remember, the term where we were attacked by terrorists and started two wars.

It is clear that Obama is interested in bringing the American people along on his presidential journey. He wants to be clear about his agenda and get it across to people that feel left out of the fold in American Politics. He has made appearances on the Tonight Show and ESPN to reach out to an audience that may not be inclined to watch a press conference or read a policy report but that certainly have a stake in the success of his platform. You don't have to agree with him, but most of the country does, and at least you can't criticize him for being inaccessible or clandestine.

The shell of the Republican Party that is left after the 2008 election is in a state of sad disarray. They had been downgraded to a regional party, namely the South, where most of the stupid people live. In search for leadership, they have handed the party over to the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks of the world. Sure, they have an audience. Limbaugh boasts an audience of about 15 million listeners a week. It sounds like a lot, but to put it in perspective it is only 13% of the people that voted in the last presidential election. With 13% of the electorate at your beck and call you can stage a lot of "teabagging" protests. You can also bitch and moan on Fox News, badmouth the president, and rant about how we are becoming a "socialist nation," but you can't win elections. That 13-20% percent of the electorate represents the far right wing of the party that has taken over and dominated the GOP over the last three months. Like moderate Muslims trapped by Taliban leadership, moderate Republicans have no voice, although they exist in larger number than you would expect.

It feels like George W. Bush is light years away. He bought a mansion in Dallas and rode off into the sunset. Good for him. He is doing and acting exactly the way a wildly unpopular ex president should. He is working on his memoirs, which should be out as soon as he can figure out how to spin it into something positive.

Other former elected leaders are not extending us this courtesy. Dick Cheney has been quite vocal about certain national security policy changes. Seriously, who the fuck cares what the most unpopular vice president thinks about anything? Does the right wing think that by parading Cheney around the different news shows criticizing the Obama administration that they are going to make any converts? It's about as effective as the Britney Spears instructional video Secrets to a Happy Marriage and Effective Child Rearing. This is what Cheney has to offer the country.

When I was growing up my father's favorite response to inquiry was "No." That is because "no" is easy. It requires little effort to vocalize and can be said in a variety of ways without offering an alternative. The Republican Party has become the party of "no". No health care, Nobama, no taxes, no gay marriage, no reproductive rights, no economic stimulus, and no fun. Ever. But also no definable alternative that has a chance in hell of becoming a reality in the current political climate, either.

Obama has just completed a stellar first 100 days in the White House. However, the hard work will continue for the next 1,360 days left in the first term of his presidency. The Republican Party better get on board and start the work of the minority party. This means that you work toward concessions that you can live with within a larger policy agenda that you don't necessarily like. You lost the election. Suck it up and move forward with a positive outlook. Senator Specter defected yesterday and he might not be the last. The 2010 midterm election campaigning and posturing is going to begin in about six months, and you don't want to be the party of "no" against a majority whose president has a 68% approval rating. Show us that you would like to win some elections again.

Underestimating Large Groups of Stupid People

The conservative movement has run into some semantic issues recently that I feel a duty to point out and correct.

When I plop my balls in your mouth, or brush them against your chin, or bounce them ever so slightly atop your forehead, I am "teabagging" you. It is a sexual act that only a man can perform on another person. Nothing else. However, the new wave of conservatives protesting the president's new tax code are using the term to refer to sending him tea bags in the mail as a symbolic act of solidarity with the Boston Tea Party-ers.

To all you conservatives out there participating in such "tea parties" on April 15th, please stop saying that you are "teabagging" the White House. It's actually quite funny and a bit clever, but us liberals have serious questions about your sanity and intelligence and we don't know whether to laugh with you (for coming up with a Daily Show style pun) or laugh at you (because you have no idea what "teabagging" actually refers to).

I tend to gravitate towards the latter response and here's why: major GOP party leaders are using the term, as well as all the pundits on Fox News. When I heard Ann Coulter talking about "teabagging" the president I had two thoughts: 1)anatomically impossible, and 2) I hope that my parents aren't talking to all of their friends about how they just can't wait to teabag President Obama. I actually sent them this email today due to my concern:

Hope you guys had a nice Easter. I got your little package in the mail yesterday. The pictures are super cute. I'll scan them into my facebook when I get a chance.

Also, I don't know if you guys have any plans to attend one of these infamous "tea parties" I keep hearing Fox News talk about on April 15th, but if you do please refrain from using the term "teabagging" to refer to them. "Teabagging" is the slang term used for when you put your scrotum on someone's face. Always has been and always will be. When I heard Ann Coulter say that she was going to "teabag" the White House I was concerned that perhaps you might be going around talking about "teabagging" the President. Yikes.

Just looking out for ya,

Andrew

I do my duty to my family, what can I say.

However, regardless of whether or not Ann Coulter and Greta Van Susteren plan on filling Obama's mouth with their huge teabags, there is a larger, historical issue here. Any student of history knows that the Boston Tea Party of 1773 was an event planned by revolutionary colonists to spur a violent response by the British and to protest the idea of "taxation without representation" in regards to the Crown's exorbitant tariff placed on tea in the colonies. Rather than return the tea to Britain, which other colonies had done, the Bostonians chose to destroy the tea in the ocean. Great Britain responded with the Coercive Acts, which essentially closed commerce in Boston harbor and prompted the convening of the First Continental Congress. The congress passed a series of provisions that demanded certain legislative action by the British and blah, blah, blah, the Revolutionary War started.

The parallels with the current tea parties, which Republicans think are so clever, pretty much stop with dumping tea into the water. However the act of protest at the Boston Tea Party was that the tea was never paid for. That was the revolutionary act. That was what made the British so angry. The only creatures getting angry here are the fish, who's palates are not yet refined enough to appreciate Lipton's brew. Are you beginning to understand why we think you're with stupid?

The other order of semantic business refers to my last blog post and the National Organization for Marriage (NOM). Apparently many, many people have weighed in on their fear-fuck-fest ad that is all over the internet and on the tele in certain inbred communities. In response to all the negative attention, the NOM has announced a new initiative called "Two Million for Marriage." But, in order to connect with the texting, twittering, facebooking, culture out there, NOM has shortened the name of the program to the text friendly 2M4M.

Please google "M4M." I don't expect straight people to really know what it means, but I do expect for the National Organization for Marriage to know their enemy. At least know what you think is so intolerable. Please open wide while I drop my balls in your mouth. I like them gently sucked and generously licked. And a little ass play never hurt anyone, either.

The Impending Storm

There's a storm a'brewing. Apparently it is a storm of butt plugs, anal lube, cock sucking, nipple clamps, and lesbian scissoring. Sounds like a good, hearty storm to me, like the ones I am used to growing up in West Texas, but the religious right is not so pleased.

This television ad is currently running in many 'battleground' states as the GOP prepares the ground of the 2010 midterm elections; one they cannot afford to go as poorly as the last. Granted, the ad is a little campy, a little low budget, a little hokey. Considering the source, my only surprise is that Kirk Cameron didn't pop out to share the Gospel with me at the end.

The National Organization for Marriage is a recently established Political Action Committee (PAC) that is carrying on the war against homosexuals from being included in the institution of marriage. I would encourage you to go to their website and check it out at . It's boats loads of fun for the whole family.

Given their name you would think the organization would be committed to tackling divorce rates and curbing domestic violence. But that is simply not so. It is an old dog with a new trick. The election of President Obama has mobilized the new minority to take off their traditional garb of white sheet with matching hood and don a more modern apparel. The ad even suggests that equal rights for gay and lesbian couples are OK, but that somehow the "homosexual agenda" wants more. They want to impede on the rights of the religious to wallow in their ignorance and xenophobia.

I immediately noticed how vague the impeding clusterfuck of a threat is. I kept waiting for the punch line, but it never came. Just manufactured, intangible fear of change (or improvement). There is no resolution as to why the medical doctor would have to choose between her professional career and her faith if gay marriage became a reality. It just states the hypothetical threat, while a backdrop of brooding clouds gains behind her, and moves on. No explanation or elaboration, which I can only assume means there is not one. And it uses the same MO multiple times in the 60 second spot.

It is a little surprising that the Republican Party is still using the gay issue to divide voters and motivate their base. That's so 2004. However, chances are that you haven't seen this ad running on TV in your area. It is for a very select audience, and is only appealing to those who have never visited a major city or lack an internet connection. But, thanks to my internet connection, I have seen it and can now share it with you. Nothing is secret and no audience is select.

My initial concern is that the American people have not learned their lesson soon enough. That there are still people in the middle of the country that roll around in this catnip to make a political difference. It is the same tactic that worked in 2002 and 2004 regarding our "War on Terror," and the impending threat of whatever benefited the administration's agenda. Now I am the enemy waging war against my parents, my childhood friends, their families, my brother, and God. Will it ever end?

My real concern, however, is that they are on to us. It's true. We won't stop until every man, woman and child is gay, gay, and gay. I could go on and on, but tonight is Thursday and it's my shift to strap on my angel wings and pull on the skin tight speedo for recruiting. So, tootles, straight people, I'm gonna go make one of your children gay tonight. Snap.

Stepping back from the inflammatory tone of the ad and the personal nature of the attack at hand, I would like to take you on a little walk into the future. Ten years from now, when gay marriage is legal nationwide, and no one thinks about it anymore. This ad will still exist and be easy to recall online. As will Pat Buchanan's 1992 Republican National Convention speech(youtube it)and clips from Pat Robertson's 700 Club. These people represent the conservative movement and Christianity in our times. What is to become of them, their movement, or Christianity as a whole, when recent history will dictate they were wrong. Who is to trust them, or their faith, about matters as weighty as spiritual leadership and enlightenment? Who wants the guidance of their senile grandparents as they contort in disbelief every time they see our black president? A generation or two can make a world of difference, and a person's continued respect and legitimacy requires that you end up on the right side of history.

The impending storm may not be the one that you think. It might be self created. And it just might be the tsunami that snaps the cross in half and leaves two thousand years of spiritual oppression laying desolate in its wake. Good luck, Christians.

Our Pontiff Predicament

The Catholic Church has been around for a long time. There are currently about 68 million Catholics living in North America. My family, on my mother's side, is riddled with them. The church has brought us such gems of history as the crusades, witch hunting, and prepubescent boy fucking.

I narrowly escaped a Roman Catholic upbringing thanks to my mother's collegiate rebellion to Evangelical Christianity, saving me from having to go to mass once a week. Being raised Christian certainly carries its own set of thorns to continuously jab at your secret desires. But, I escaped Catholicism. For this I am eternally grateful. However, I am familiar enough with Catholicism as an observing apostate at family reunions to realize most of its bells and whistles. Its special brand of guilty nuance, as it were.

Pope Benedict XVI recently graced the continent of Africa with a papal visit. If it's one thing that an impoverished, war torn land needs, its a visit from an ex-nazi, sith lord impersonator with an imaginary friend. A papal visit to Africa makes a bit of sense considering Africa is home to about 135 million Catholics. Shell shocked and mal-educated prepares the ground perfectly for Catholic seed.

The pope, at the sprightly age of 81, seemed to take the visit a bit more seriously than a typical papal visit. Usually it's rife with all the customary niceties of talking about world peace, shaking the hands of elected leaders, waving at adoring fans, and otherwise shutting the fuck up. Instead, the Vatican took the opportunity to take a continental health policy stance about condom use and to reaffirm the Roman Catholic belief on birth control. His exact words to the Associated Press during his trip were, "You can't resolve it (HIV transmission) with the distribution of condoms. On the contrary, it increases the problem." Monogamy within marriage, says the pope, is the only way to tackle this problem. This was his message before heads of governments, who would rather ignore the AIDS crisis, and before common laymen who are the unwilling and unknowing breeding ground for new infections.

As a volunteer for the Aids Alliance, and perhaps more importantly as a gay man, I know better. Get into a monogamous relationship with someone who is HIV positive and take the pope's advice. It may not work out to your liking. 22 million people in Africa are HIV positive, and those are just the cases that have been tested and reported to international health organizations. Approximately 800 people die every day due to AIDS related complications on the continent without lifesaving drugs that are commonplace and taken for granted in the West. It is a constant struggle between the international community and the governments of certain African nations, namely Zambia and South Africa, where the transmission rates are highest, to get safe sex education into the country. Then the pope shows up, all white and shiny and Jesusy, and fucks things up further.

In uplifting news, pretty much everyone else in the world responded to the pope by suggesting that he might be spinning on his pointy hat. If you want to be Catholic, fine. If you aspire to be pope, fine. If your imaginary friend walks with you, and talks with you, and tells you that you are his own, fine. But please leave the health advice to the health care professionals. They know more than you, they believe in "science," and they care more about actual results rather than scoring points for a fictitious deity. Shouldn't you be diligently working towards expanding the amount of human guilt on the planet, anyway?

Yes, I'm biased. I think Catholicism is for the weak of mind. Clearly. But, I also care deeply about the HIV crisis. It is something that affects my community disproportionately in this country, and that I have given my time and energy to try to make a difference. The innocent people of Africa deserve better from their leaders. Especially the leaders that should know better.

Pope Benedict XVI can suck my condom-sheathed cock. I hope he chokes on it.