My Guru

Very rarely do I encounter things that change the way that I view myself, my relationship with those around me, or my function as a human being in the drama of life. However, when one finds such things, I believe it is in everyone's best interest to share the wealth, as it were.

Now my love for Oprah Winfrey is no secret. I love that woman, and I want to be like her. I want sit in front of a television camera everyday for an hour and have soccer moms swoon over my every word. I want to have a Gayle to do my bidding, and a moderately less wealthy boyfriend that is comfortable living everyday in my enormous shadow.

Now, I very rarely watch the Oprah show. I have other things going on at 3 in the afternoon, like getting liquored up and riding around on the bus. However, I do have this knack for having to know exactly what is upsetting right wing Christians at any given moment. When I hear that Spongebob is gay, or that new Disney movie is destroying America with its leftist agenda, I simply must know more. I must see the movie, or read the book, or whatever it is. I get my summer reading list from whatever material Focus on the Family is boycotting that month. This is how I encountered Eckhart Tolle.

I was cruising youtube one afternoon a few months ago when I came across a video for "The Church of Oprah, EXPOSED!!" Um, hello. I simply could not resist. The video dove into a slue of righteous indignation over Oprah's new book club selection, A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, and the imminent threat these ideas posed to the world. It was linked to other videos that went into more detail about how Oprah had left her Christian roots and been swayed by other teachings and gods, and how this was fucking everything up. Essentially, they label the book "New Age," which I am pretty sure is code for "we haven't read the book."

So, of course, I had to read the book. And it honestly changed my life. Like I said, it changed the way that I viewed myself and my relationship to those around me. The basic premise of the book is that there can be an evolution of consciousness on the planet as consciousness becomes aware of itself. As you realize that you are the conscious presence behind the thoughts and emotions that you are having rather than being completely identified with them, you can experience a freedom that is not possible otherwise. Most people live their lives completely lost in the head, completely consumed by the thoughts and emotions that are going on inside their bodies. Acting and then reacting in a vicious cycle, not realizing the absolute insanity all of it is.

It has been an interesting turn of events. It was back in May that I read the book and was introduced to the idea of "remaining present." It is the practice of bringing your attention continuously to the present moment and quieting the mind from the background static that so often clouds out the uniqueness and beauty of the present. It is a great place to be, and something that gets more and more natural over time.

It is also not a new idea. My new roommate, Rachel, runs a mediation group here in Seattle called Dharma Punx. It is not associated with any particular religion, but gets a lot of its inspiration from Buddhism. I have been to the group a couple of times since being here, and it has been astounding to me how much of what I was exposed to in Eckhart Tolle's books have been around for 2500 years. Be aware of your breath, scan your body with you attention, surrender to what is and stop resisting that which you have no power to change. Be with yourself. Be still.

Immediately I am struck with how odd it is that I had never heard any of this before now. I am 25 years old, have a college education, and I have never learned just to be. The peace that can open up in your life if you will just surrender to what is astounding. I have never realized how much of the teachings of Christ, which I literally have memorized, align with the teachings of the Buddha on how we as human beings should live. What our relationship is to each other and what our relationship is to the source of life, God...for lack of a better term. But you don't learn any of that in church.

So, I can honestly say that I am so pleased that this book and I crossed paths. Generally, when the Christians are upset about something, I look on with intrigue and usually just end up shaking my head and saying something like, "Oh, Christians." But this time it was different.

I realize that this book is threatening to them because it is something they cannot control. It challenges their monopoly on the divine, and gives power back to people that have been disillusioned by the whole concept of a personified God, with his anger, radical opinions, and preferences. It brings to life the teachings of Jesus, and I suppose this also offends most Christians. They have long determined what Jesus meant about things and nothing new can be presented without labeling it as blasphemous. And, like with most things that get religious people in a twist, I assume that most of them have not read the book. I know most of them have not read the Bible.

So I give my triple stamp of approval to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah Winfrey for bringing this teaching to the soccer moms and the religiously disenfranchised of the world. Pick yourself up a copy, it might change your life. But, in the words of Levar Burton, from the hit show Reading Rainbow, "you don't have to take my word for it."

Conventional Sex

So, as promised, I am going to sit down and write about the political conventions that occurred last week. I am a little behind schedule, but I've been busy, and I don't get paid for my opinions about things...yet.

Convention week is the huge orgasm that finally releases after more than a year of foreplay and necking. I will always think fondly upon foreplay and necking as I thumb through my high school yearbook, but as you grow it tires. First go the Democrats, then the Republicans. So, I will honor that order in the spirit of being fair and balanced.

The Democrats came out swinging this year. By all accounts it should be their year. The have a rockstar for a nominee, a wildly unpopular sitting President from the opposing party, and an energized electorate. One small problem: it was hard to tell what was more important this week, Barack Obama or how Bill Clinton is feeling about Barack Obama. There is such a thing as bowing out gracefully, and the Clinton's don't seem to be interested.

Now I suppose that I am showing my age here, but Bill Clinton means very little to me. He was president from the time I was nine until I was a senior in high school, and I was much more concerned with the zits on my face and "being cool" than his foreign policy or sexual indiscretions. However, up until he opened his mouth during his wife's primary run, he was adored by everyone in the Democratic Party. Like Ronald Reagan for the Republicans, only with more game. I do know this: Barack is cooler than Bill and Bill hates this. During the primary, his political genius of the 90s was overshadowed by his small child assuring you that his dad could beat up your dad. I don't know, Bill, my dad wrestled in high school.

It is also apparent that the Democrats have suddenly discovered the Lord, or rather the votes that the Lord can swing their way. To my shock, Barack Obama and Joe Biden are actually Christians and not Muslims, and to prove it they are going to talk about God and feature speakers that talk about God in every speech. I know that God is big business, and that the American electorate is horny for religiously sounding rhetoric, but if I was advising the party I would say to let the Republicans keep all the Jesus shit. Whatever. Pro choice, pro gay rights, pro humble foreign policy Democrats are never going to be able to compete with the Republicans in the crazy Christian department. Can't we just take solace in fact that we are smarter than them, more elite, better read, more educated, and less dependent on fairy tales? No? Ok, fine. Who's in the house? The big JC is the house! I am falling out already.

But the highlight of the convention belonged to Barack Obama and his final speech at Invesco Field before 75,000 adoring fans. Even Christ did not have to feed crowds this large. He could not have delivered a better performance. Anyone who does not want this person to be our president, to represent us to the world, to heal the wounds that have slowly bled for the last eight years, and bring fresh life into the White House, clearly has not been paying attention.

On to the Republicans. I was much more interested in, and watched much more of, the Republican National Convention this year because free tickets to the freak show are always better than learning something new and being challenged to make your country a better place. Now, really I do have to hand it to the Republicans this time around. They got lemons, and made some pretty good lemonade.

Change. I give you a quarter, you give me two dimes and a nickle. This is what this election is all about. Both sides agree and are chanting the mantra. It is because George W. Bush is the most inept president of all time and there is very little that does not need to be changed. But, this is really not quite fair. By definition the Democrats offer change (can't wait for the Libertarian comments), but the Republicans are just so damn good at convincing their enthusiasts (as well as those just watching the freak show) that they actually offer change. Now, this does not make any sense unless you are at the 2008 Republican National Convention. Theme: the last eight years are all in your head. Clearly.

The first night of the convention was overshadowed by Hurricane Gustav slamming into the Gulf Coast. I would mention the foreshadowing this natural disaster would indicate if you were writing fiction, but I think the relationship is obvious and trustworthy. Cindy McCain and Laura Bush reminded the crowd to "take off their Republican hats and put on their American hats." Not two hours later, the camera panned the crowd and a man was wearing a construction hard hat that said, "DRILL HERE!!" with a Houston Oilers logo above it. I can only hope he was referring to his skull to relieve the pressure of his swollen brain. Apparently the ladies had forgotten to mention the third type of hat that appears so commonly and the Republican Conventions. Clearly they make hats in 'redneck.'

Larry, Moe, and Curly opened the second evening that I watched. Huckabee, with his wit and charm told the adoring crowd that he supported John McCain for President. For our future, for our children. I like Mike, and I think that we would get along quite well for the most part.

Fred Thompson, who has been off the radar since his dismal performance in the primaries gave a surprisingly energetic oration and looked well rested and bronzed. John McCain is not only a troublemaker, but he is the leader of the troublemakers. Clever. The crowd, that hated Bill Clinton's troublemaking, went wild.

Rudy Guliani got stuck on track 3 and 9/11 was heard over and over until someone hit the machine and it skipped to track 4, Mitt Romney. Now, I love Mitt Romney for the Republicans, because all the Christians seem to forget that he is Mormon. He wipes his ass with hundred dollar bills, as to not stain his special underpants.

I would not even mention it, expect that I was raised Christian and I know that Christians hate Mormons. Apparently not as much as they hate liberals. Yet, no one at the convention seemed to think that it was weird when Mitt talked about the threat rich elitists from Massachusetts present for the country.

John McCain had his acceptance speech, and I was shocked to learn that he had been a POW in Vietnam. Wow. If the qualifications for president require you to endure the same treatment that the previous American President implemented for prisoners of war, then John McCain is our man. This man is at least as prepared to be president as Al-Akmed Tulanbar. I'm down.

The lack of self awareness is precious, almost cute. It makes the whole convention so much better viewing than the Democratic Convention. I just wish it was complete with a huge mud pit, girls in bikinis, and large assault rifles. Enter Sarah Palin. Priceless.

This is why the Republican Convention is so fun. The delegates. The loyal followers. The true believers. They know the routine and they are so hot for it. The event is interchangeable and largely irrelevant. You could be at a Jeff Foxworthy concert, a monster truck rally, a Billy Graham revival meeting, or the Republican National Convention. They can even wear the same outfit to each event and no one notices.

They just stand there and jerk off all over the flag. The last one to come has to eat it, and they will do so gladly. Live on national television. Who doesn't want to watch?

I am not much for cuddling after I've climaxed. So, you are not going to get anymore political rants out of me until after the election. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Don't mind me if I just roll over and go to sleep. If you have to leave before I get up, I threw your underwear between the bed and the wall in the heat of passion. Call me.

I live in Seattle, and I'm better than you.

Since moving to Seattle five weeks ago, I have very much enjoyed my time here. I am learning my way around the city and meeting new friends. I have a job, go to a gym, know my bus schedule, have made out with a hot guy, know which Northwestern microbrew I like the most, and have a permanent residence...finally.

But, there are still many things that have to happen before I truely settle in and become one of the crew that calls Seattle home. I am not sure if all of them will happen.

Seattle is an incredibly green city. I spend a lot of time trying to determine if the box my mac and cheese came in goes into the trash, recycling, or yard waste bin. It takes less time to eat mac and cheese. Each household is given a color coded chart that conquers images of the Bush Administration's color coded terror level scale to determine which items go in which of the three trash containers each household must maintain. Just how dangerous is the mac and cheese box for the environment?

When you come onto the bus with a take out box from a restaurant that is Styrofoam, people want to know where you got such a horrid container so they can write a letter to the editor or something. I just tell them not to worry, that I have a whole bunch saved up at home and we'll be having a bon fire with them later tonight.

So while there is not a lot of smog, there is a whole lot of smug. I am not even sure that people intend to come across this way, but it is hard to get around when you are from Texas and know how the rest of the country thinks. Getting rid of my car WAS my good deed for the environment. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

You will also find a blossoming community of compassionate vegans here in the Northwest. I would like to take this time to extend a huge middle finger to all of them. I am so goddamn sick of you. I hope that when you die, Satan forces you to drink a big, huge glass of skim milk. I cannot tell you how many times a day people will ask me at my low responsibility job at the coffee shop if any of the pastries are vegan. I do not even know what this means or how a person would determine this fact about a pastry. They don't seem impressed with you when you tell them that there is no meat in the blueberry muffin. I really should look up the word 'vegan.' I do know that there are plenty of vegan restaurants around, that I will never set foot in one of them, and that these people should go there.

Rice and soy do not have nipples. Therefore, rice and soy milk is a misnomer. I am pretty sure that rice milk is the water that turns a milky color when you are making rice that is not quite ready yet. At least that it what is tastes like. People drink lattes made with this stuff, when they could save two dollars by drinking an Americano instead. I am pretty sure that espresso and water is as yummy as espresso and grain water. Maybe they have a rice fetish, but it is an expensive, unnecessary habit.

While I was living in my August house, I had the joy of shopping at the most elite grocery store in the city. The PCC. It was the only grocery store within walking distance of where I was living, and so it was my grocery store. Apparently people in Seattle have orgasms about these chain of stores, but I was a little less thrilled. It has a small town feel and the only products that they offer are all natural, organic, local, and expensive. A batch of groceries that should have cost fifty bucks cost twice that much. I had to reach inside my g-string to make up the difference.

One night, as is the case with all people that think too much about things, I had heartburn. Shit, I need some Tums, I thought. So, I walked two blocks at 10:30 pm in order to get some relief. The clerk had never heard of Tums. I am not kidding. I explained my dilemma to her, and she directed me to their all natural pharmacy section in order to get the kind of relief that you could only find in Amish country.

I finally explained that what I really needed was some calcium. Tablets, if they could find some, or liquid if they couldn't. I walked out with half a gallon of milk and some Parmesan cheese. Tums have a lot less fat.

One more funny thing about Seattlites before I close. Last month, while I was still living with the guys in the sublet house, one of the roommates said to me that he simply could not believe that George W. Bush had been reelected in 2004, or that John McCain even had a chance at the White House. I said to him, "Have you ever been to Texas?" Because it is not a mystery to me. In fact, I know enough about the middle of the country to know that anything is possible, and that smart people will have to live with their decision if enough of them get out there to vote.

This past week, during the Republican National Convention (which will get its own entry, by the way), I went into a bar just as Sarah Palin was giving her acceptance speech. I watched the whole thing later online, but it was fun just to sit back and watch the reaction from Joe Schmoe in the bar up here. They simply could not believe that mystery woman behind door number two was going to be the Republican VP candidate. They were not impressed. In fact, the whole convention was a mystery to them. Who ARE these people? What is wrong with them? Were they raised in a barn? All I could say was that some of them probably owned a barn, and many people up here have only seen pictures of barns. Heard about barns. Where farm animals live.

I love Seattle and I certainly belong here, like I am home. I may live here for the next twenty years. But, I am from the South. There is no denying it. Regardless of where a person relocates later in life, you cannot forsake your roots. I despise the Republican Party, but I understand them. I no longer set time out of my day to watch the NFL, but I have spent more time in my life watching football than peeing. I have fired multiple guns, ridden a horse, helped to raise a barn, been blinded by a dust storm, attended Jesus camp, and harvested cotton. Yee haw.

I look forward to the next twenty years. May they be even more full of blessing then the last twenty. But, regardless of how long I live here, I will not forget where I am from. I might learn how to recycle. I might learn to have the same righteous indignation for Styrofoam as the rest of King County. I might get a cool haircut and sit around talking about the latest electric car. But I will always chuckle at tree huggers, self righteous vegans, people that have never heard of Tums, and the politically undiversified. It's funny, and I'm just along for the ride.

In Response

I recently received a comment on a blog entry that I had written back in January about the Bible being revised and expanded for today's society. I must say it is one of the wittier things that I have written about on this thing, and am quite proud of it. The commenter, who I do not know, did not seem to share my same enthusiasm for blasphemy and tactlessness.

Now I will not repost the comment here, because it is quite long and goes on and on about a variety of side issues. Feel free to read the comment yourself to get the full effect. The gist of the message is this: I make a mockery of the Lord Jesus Christ because I have chosen to finally accept myself as a gay person. My liberal views about the Bible make absolutely no sense, and are simply my way of covering up the deep insecurity I feel. Having sex with other men will not fill the deep hole that is in my heart. (Insert whatever joke comes directly after a sentence with "sex with men" and "deep hole.") In order to please God I should pick up my cross, which Lord knows had been weighing me down for years, and follow him. The commenter then goes on to admit to me that he is also gay, or was gay, or something. I think he said "enslaved to gay porn," which sounds like a bondage film.

It should be noted that this person knows absolutely nothing about me, which becomes clear when he talks about "my raging teenage hormones." I only wish, now that I am at peace with my sexuality, I could have those raging hormones back. I would put them to good use. But I am a 25 year old man, and while certainly not past my prime, I simply will never again be as horny, as often, as I was when I was 15. It also should be made clear that while many in the evangelical closeted community think that openly gay men go around fucking every guy they can get there hands on, this has not been my experience thus far. Gay people are people, and people, particularly as they get older enjoy a little intimacy. Monogamy. Stability. Need I continue?

Initially my reaction to this bloggers comment did not include any of the fruits of the Spirit. What a douchebag, I thought. But then I decided to read his blog and go all the way to the beginning. May 2007, one gay man's journey to find peace between his sexuality and his faith in Christianity. I read the first three entries, which was really all I needed and all that I could stand. He described in beautiful prose the struggle that gay people raised in strict religious environments deal with on a daily basis. He laid out the fear, the shame, the anguish, the recurring thoughts of suicide, the confusion, the sense of eternal abandonment. He has many loyal readers who also struggle with "same sex attraction," as its called, to make it sound more medical, more like a disease. They have found a place on the Internet to meet together and share each others stories and offer support in the cold, harsh world that the Church of Jesus offers these people.

After years of genuinely informed inquiry, many aspects of Christianity simply seem improbable to me. I do not believe in the Jesus of the Bible for the same reason I do not believe in Zeus. I do believe, however, that Jesus of Nazareth was a real person. People had a God experience with Jesus when they met him. He had a depth of understanding about the world and the way human beings are to be that caused people's lives to be transformed in a very real way. And he never mentioned a single word about homosexuals. If you are a Christian that has ever spoken ill of gay people, referred to their sex as vile and unloving, their existence as unnatural and an abomination, you should feel deep shame. Jesus would overturn your offering plates and declare that you have made a mockery of his Father's house. Others in your congregation, who hear you say these things, are gay people. You just don't know it. It will depend on their individual journey through the hell you have helped to create for them as to if you ever will.

The man who made that comment to me, a fellow homosexual, is a tragic figure. He is not a douchebag. He is lonely, tired of waking up cold and horny. He has been put through the ringer his whole life and clings to the only things that makes him feel safe. I have more in common with him than I do with many of my closest friends. We have walked down the same road, and somehow arrived at two very different places. He would say that I got lost along the way, and I would gently remind him that he simply has not arrived yet. Every person deserves to be whole. And that includes falling in love, and yes, having sex, with someone wonderful. Even if both of those people have a penis. Those that would deny a person this basic human need, this joy they so often flippantly take for granted, deserve to be exposed for the spineless pharisees that they are.

One of the tenants of Christianity is to be an example to others. "Follow me, as I follow the example of Christ," Saint Paul declares. I feel that same sense of responsibility in my own life. I know that I will live to see the day when homosexuality is no longer an issue for the church. Homophobia will take its rightful place in the grave next to slavery and the combustible engine. All I can do is to do my part. Speak out when I feel it is right, and offer a helping hand to those that are hurting. We all have a role to play in this human problem. Knowing that I will help to leave the world a better place than I found it is the greatest gift I can receive. And I am grateful.