My Interview with Carrie Prejean

I recently got the chance to sit down with Carrie Prejean, beauty queen and gay marriage expert, here at the Values Voters Summit. She was the keynote speaker on the first night of the conference and was preceded by many Republican elected officials and national evangelical leaders. The following is a heavily edited transcript that before transcribing it here looked as though it had been blacked out with sharpie marker by the Bush Task force on terrorist interrogations.

Me: Thank you so much Carrie for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk with me this afternoon. I understand that you've been quite busy.

Carrie: Yes, happycamper, I have. Thank you for noticing how awesome the plan is God has for me. It's my pleasure to be with you today.

Me: Now Carrie, let's remind people of the moment that you rose to national stardom. I believe it was when Perez Hilton, gossip blogger of the stars, asked you a question about gay marriage and Proposition 8 that was on the ballot in California. Is that right?

Carrie: Yes. I was asked a question about gay marriage by an openly gay man and I stood up for what I thought was right...which was opposite marriage, of course. And I received a lot of slack for that, but really it's all been to God's glory.

Me: In what way was God glorified by you taking a stand against a state court ruling regarding civil marriage at the Miss USA beauty pageant?

Carrie: Frankly, happycamper, I am shocked by your closed mind. Shame on you to question my motives.

Me: Never mind. Do you find it odd that the religious right has chosen you to be a spokesperson for the gay marriage issue going into this next round of elections?

Carrie: Not really, happycamper. You see, the Republicans seek out real folks. They want to represent the American people and provide a platform for them to voice their concerns with the way things are changing and they're giving us a chance shout "no more"! Not in my America! No not opposite marriage! Not this time!

Me: You clearly feel passionately about this issue, but what exactly are your goals and what is your presence in the debate going to add to the national conversation over how we extend to thousands of families the civil rights that a majority of others enjoy?

Carrie: I'm just doing it all for the glory of God. And honestly, I am shocked at the intolerance of some people regarding my intolerance. We live in America! It is a country where we can have both, tolerance and intolerance, and same and opposite marriage, and it's un-American to have it any other way. This is why I would like to take this time to announce my candidacy for President in 2012. Sarah Palin and I will be running the together. Quite frankly, happycamper, it will awaken every Republican man's conserva-boner. Watch out liberals, because opposite marriage is about to come all over America's face and there is nothing you can do to stop me..er...I mean... it...now.

Me: Carrie, I am offended by the language and lack of civility regarding an topic that is really only a headline issue for a small portion of the Republican party's constituency. Can we please clean up the conversation and discuss this topic with some dignity and respect?

Carrie: Ok, here's the deal, Drew-ski. I don't really know that much about gay marriage. Before I was asked that question in the beauty pageant I had just thrown up my lunch and was feeling a little bit weak. I said the first thing that came into my head, and now I've just got to go with it. I have this index card here that details nine principals and twelve values and I am not supposed to deviate from it in any way. This group of Value Voters validates my insecurities as a person and hangs on every word that I say. I guess they are unaware that "opposite marriage" isn't even a real thing. I mean this is way better than becoming Miss USA. Fox News in my back pocket and the wind blowing up my skirt.

Me: Bitch, I don't think that's wind. And that last sentence was a fragment.

Carrie: Suck it, homo.

Me: Touche, my dear. Well, thank you for your time Carrie. I know that its always difficult to carve out some time at a big summit event like this, particularly when you have to go the 9-12 Project Boot Camp every morning. Folks, that all from the Values Voters Summit 2009 in Washington, DC. I have to shuffle on to the main stage where I hear Roy Blunt is going to tell a racist joke about President Obama and some woman will say to an applauding audience that abortions should be performed in a public setting. You can watch Carrie's speech from the Summit here. You can't make this stuff up, guys.

A Chase Scene

I just woke up from the most bizarre dream. In it, my mother and I were attending a wedding from a friend of mine from high school. Everyone is there, all my old friends. And we are greeting each other and having a great time catching up on everyone’s lives.

Suddenly the bride catches my eye, comes over, and states apprehensively, “Oh, Andrew, I can’t believe you made it.” “Of course I made it,” I replied, “it’s your special day.”

Initially, the comment seemed to be just one of those things you say at a wedding to thank the person for traveling across the country to attend the affair. Then, as the bride goes around the room greeting other guests I get this eerie feeling that they’re talking about me, as their slight glances in my direction suggest.

It starts to become clear to me that I’m not welcome at this gathering. I get up, leave my mother sitting inside the sanctuary, and walk outside the church building where a friend of mine is smoking a cigarette.

“Um, I have a feeling that I’m not welcome here,” I say with an inflection that is as much comment as it is question.

“Is it because I’m gay?” I ask, as if the question had never occurred to me before this moment.

”Well, you took a risk in coming here,” my friend responded. “It’s fine with me that you’re here, but I am sure there are plenty of people inside that would feel differently.” Then her eyes shifted from my face over to the side. “But it seems like that guy over there is looking for you.”

I turn and look over my left shoulder and see one the elders from my parent’s church, a man who actually exists, spot me and take off running towards me. Without hesitation I take off running and wake up while being hotly pursued by respected man in my parent’s church. I guess my mom attended the rest of the wedding without me.

Isn’t that so weird? Why would I dream this? I never have dreams about these people, places, or subject matters. Although there was something that happened last night that could have prompted it.

Kevin and I went to a fund raising event for an organization that offers medical and emotional support to those living with HIV/AIDS. One of the event coordinators started flirting with us, which lead into a very interesting conversation.

He was a 28 year old former Evangelical Christian missionary that had recently returned from his second tour of duty in Iraq. He had married a woman at age 24 because that’s what good missionaries do. 18 months into the marriage he felt he had to come to terms with reality, come out of the closet, end the relationship, and leave the military. I told him that I too was once a missionary in India. Him too. We talked about volunteering for Mother Teresa’s House of Dying Destitutes in Calcutta and the profound simplicity of her message. Her whole purpose was to care for the dying, so that no one ever had to die alone. He said that he was pleased about where he is in life now, and that his whole message to the gay community is that God loves us. God loves him, me, and everyone else, just the way we are. His words.

The domestic partnership debate is heating up here in Washington State. Last May the state legislature passed a bill and our governor signed into law an “everything but marriage” statute. It was done entirely through the legislative process and gave same sex couples all the rights and responsibilities of marriage without using the term and thus awaken the beast. Awakened nevertheless, Christian groups sought out 127,000 signatures, in part using their churches as signing stations, to put a referendum on the ballot to overturn the law. This flex of political muscle has delayed the law from going to effect until the voting results are determined in November. A recent poll shows 73% of Washingtonians support domestic partnership rights. The referendum is an empty gesture to squeeze the last bit of crazy out of the state and to harm their gay and lesbian neighbors as they wait to see if they will be able to share health insurance and have a smooth transfer of property with their life partner.

In December my brother is graduating from college. I am bringing my boyfriend down for the occasion. I want Kevin to see where I’m from, get my family used to the idea of him in my life, see my brother’s graduation, and see some old friends. Kill four birds with one stone, as it were. But making these plans runs into some tactical issues that make it complicated. It’s just one of those things were it would be easier if I wasn’t gay. Lubbock’s not really "gay friendly". Not one of those places I would ever visit with my boyfriend if I didn’t have family there. Planning this trip is reminding me of that.

All of these things in combination make it really hard to feel the love that Christians profess to have for me. A recent article in the newspaper here interviewed some of the supporters of Referendum 71 and each one of them said that they "love homosexuals" and "hate their sin". I think they're confused. They actively pursue a course to take away the civil rights afforded to me through a democratic process and encourage me to change my sexuality with the power of Jesus. That’s not love. You listen to those that you love.

I guess it has felt recently like I’m being chased out of a gathering I should be welcomed to by a scary man from my parent’s church. Weird analogy. After that dream I need a smoke and a nap.