My Interview with Carrie Prejean

I recently got the chance to sit down with Carrie Prejean, beauty queen and gay marriage expert, here at the Values Voters Summit. She was the keynote speaker on the first night of the conference and was preceded by many Republican elected officials and national evangelical leaders. The following is a heavily edited transcript that before transcribing it here looked as though it had been blacked out with sharpie marker by the Bush Task force on terrorist interrogations.

Me: Thank you so much Carrie for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk with me this afternoon. I understand that you've been quite busy.

Carrie: Yes, happycamper, I have. Thank you for noticing how awesome the plan is God has for me. It's my pleasure to be with you today.

Me: Now Carrie, let's remind people of the moment that you rose to national stardom. I believe it was when Perez Hilton, gossip blogger of the stars, asked you a question about gay marriage and Proposition 8 that was on the ballot in California. Is that right?

Carrie: Yes. I was asked a question about gay marriage by an openly gay man and I stood up for what I thought was right...which was opposite marriage, of course. And I received a lot of slack for that, but really it's all been to God's glory.

Me: In what way was God glorified by you taking a stand against a state court ruling regarding civil marriage at the Miss USA beauty pageant?

Carrie: Frankly, happycamper, I am shocked by your closed mind. Shame on you to question my motives.

Me: Never mind. Do you find it odd that the religious right has chosen you to be a spokesperson for the gay marriage issue going into this next round of elections?

Carrie: Not really, happycamper. You see, the Republicans seek out real folks. They want to represent the American people and provide a platform for them to voice their concerns with the way things are changing and they're giving us a chance shout "no more"! Not in my America! No not opposite marriage! Not this time!

Me: You clearly feel passionately about this issue, but what exactly are your goals and what is your presence in the debate going to add to the national conversation over how we extend to thousands of families the civil rights that a majority of others enjoy?

Carrie: I'm just doing it all for the glory of God. And honestly, I am shocked at the intolerance of some people regarding my intolerance. We live in America! It is a country where we can have both, tolerance and intolerance, and same and opposite marriage, and it's un-American to have it any other way. This is why I would like to take this time to announce my candidacy for President in 2012. Sarah Palin and I will be running the together. Quite frankly, happycamper, it will awaken every Republican man's conserva-boner. Watch out liberals, because opposite marriage is about to come all over America's face and there is nothing you can do to stop me..er...I mean... it...now.

Me: Carrie, I am offended by the language and lack of civility regarding an topic that is really only a headline issue for a small portion of the Republican party's constituency. Can we please clean up the conversation and discuss this topic with some dignity and respect?

Carrie: Ok, here's the deal, Drew-ski. I don't really know that much about gay marriage. Before I was asked that question in the beauty pageant I had just thrown up my lunch and was feeling a little bit weak. I said the first thing that came into my head, and now I've just got to go with it. I have this index card here that details nine principals and twelve values and I am not supposed to deviate from it in any way. This group of Value Voters validates my insecurities as a person and hangs on every word that I say. I guess they are unaware that "opposite marriage" isn't even a real thing. I mean this is way better than becoming Miss USA. Fox News in my back pocket and the wind blowing up my skirt.

Me: Bitch, I don't think that's wind. And that last sentence was a fragment.

Carrie: Suck it, homo.

Me: Touche, my dear. Well, thank you for your time Carrie. I know that its always difficult to carve out some time at a big summit event like this, particularly when you have to go the 9-12 Project Boot Camp every morning. Folks, that all from the Values Voters Summit 2009 in Washington, DC. I have to shuffle on to the main stage where I hear Roy Blunt is going to tell a racist joke about President Obama and some woman will say to an applauding audience that abortions should be performed in a public setting. You can watch Carrie's speech from the Summit here. You can't make this stuff up, guys.