Conventional Sex

So, as promised, I am going to sit down and write about the political conventions that occurred last week. I am a little behind schedule, but I've been busy, and I don't get paid for my opinions about things...yet.

Convention week is the huge orgasm that finally releases after more than a year of foreplay and necking. I will always think fondly upon foreplay and necking as I thumb through my high school yearbook, but as you grow it tires. First go the Democrats, then the Republicans. So, I will honor that order in the spirit of being fair and balanced.

The Democrats came out swinging this year. By all accounts it should be their year. The have a rockstar for a nominee, a wildly unpopular sitting President from the opposing party, and an energized electorate. One small problem: it was hard to tell what was more important this week, Barack Obama or how Bill Clinton is feeling about Barack Obama. There is such a thing as bowing out gracefully, and the Clinton's don't seem to be interested.

Now I suppose that I am showing my age here, but Bill Clinton means very little to me. He was president from the time I was nine until I was a senior in high school, and I was much more concerned with the zits on my face and "being cool" than his foreign policy or sexual indiscretions. However, up until he opened his mouth during his wife's primary run, he was adored by everyone in the Democratic Party. Like Ronald Reagan for the Republicans, only with more game. I do know this: Barack is cooler than Bill and Bill hates this. During the primary, his political genius of the 90s was overshadowed by his small child assuring you that his dad could beat up your dad. I don't know, Bill, my dad wrestled in high school.

It is also apparent that the Democrats have suddenly discovered the Lord, or rather the votes that the Lord can swing their way. To my shock, Barack Obama and Joe Biden are actually Christians and not Muslims, and to prove it they are going to talk about God and feature speakers that talk about God in every speech. I know that God is big business, and that the American electorate is horny for religiously sounding rhetoric, but if I was advising the party I would say to let the Republicans keep all the Jesus shit. Whatever. Pro choice, pro gay rights, pro humble foreign policy Democrats are never going to be able to compete with the Republicans in the crazy Christian department. Can't we just take solace in fact that we are smarter than them, more elite, better read, more educated, and less dependent on fairy tales? No? Ok, fine. Who's in the house? The big JC is the house! I am falling out already.

But the highlight of the convention belonged to Barack Obama and his final speech at Invesco Field before 75,000 adoring fans. Even Christ did not have to feed crowds this large. He could not have delivered a better performance. Anyone who does not want this person to be our president, to represent us to the world, to heal the wounds that have slowly bled for the last eight years, and bring fresh life into the White House, clearly has not been paying attention.

On to the Republicans. I was much more interested in, and watched much more of, the Republican National Convention this year because free tickets to the freak show are always better than learning something new and being challenged to make your country a better place. Now, really I do have to hand it to the Republicans this time around. They got lemons, and made some pretty good lemonade.

Change. I give you a quarter, you give me two dimes and a nickle. This is what this election is all about. Both sides agree and are chanting the mantra. It is because George W. Bush is the most inept president of all time and there is very little that does not need to be changed. But, this is really not quite fair. By definition the Democrats offer change (can't wait for the Libertarian comments), but the Republicans are just so damn good at convincing their enthusiasts (as well as those just watching the freak show) that they actually offer change. Now, this does not make any sense unless you are at the 2008 Republican National Convention. Theme: the last eight years are all in your head. Clearly.

The first night of the convention was overshadowed by Hurricane Gustav slamming into the Gulf Coast. I would mention the foreshadowing this natural disaster would indicate if you were writing fiction, but I think the relationship is obvious and trustworthy. Cindy McCain and Laura Bush reminded the crowd to "take off their Republican hats and put on their American hats." Not two hours later, the camera panned the crowd and a man was wearing a construction hard hat that said, "DRILL HERE!!" with a Houston Oilers logo above it. I can only hope he was referring to his skull to relieve the pressure of his swollen brain. Apparently the ladies had forgotten to mention the third type of hat that appears so commonly and the Republican Conventions. Clearly they make hats in 'redneck.'

Larry, Moe, and Curly opened the second evening that I watched. Huckabee, with his wit and charm told the adoring crowd that he supported John McCain for President. For our future, for our children. I like Mike, and I think that we would get along quite well for the most part.

Fred Thompson, who has been off the radar since his dismal performance in the primaries gave a surprisingly energetic oration and looked well rested and bronzed. John McCain is not only a troublemaker, but he is the leader of the troublemakers. Clever. The crowd, that hated Bill Clinton's troublemaking, went wild.

Rudy Guliani got stuck on track 3 and 9/11 was heard over and over until someone hit the machine and it skipped to track 4, Mitt Romney. Now, I love Mitt Romney for the Republicans, because all the Christians seem to forget that he is Mormon. He wipes his ass with hundred dollar bills, as to not stain his special underpants.

I would not even mention it, expect that I was raised Christian and I know that Christians hate Mormons. Apparently not as much as they hate liberals. Yet, no one at the convention seemed to think that it was weird when Mitt talked about the threat rich elitists from Massachusetts present for the country.

John McCain had his acceptance speech, and I was shocked to learn that he had been a POW in Vietnam. Wow. If the qualifications for president require you to endure the same treatment that the previous American President implemented for prisoners of war, then John McCain is our man. This man is at least as prepared to be president as Al-Akmed Tulanbar. I'm down.

The lack of self awareness is precious, almost cute. It makes the whole convention so much better viewing than the Democratic Convention. I just wish it was complete with a huge mud pit, girls in bikinis, and large assault rifles. Enter Sarah Palin. Priceless.

This is why the Republican Convention is so fun. The delegates. The loyal followers. The true believers. They know the routine and they are so hot for it. The event is interchangeable and largely irrelevant. You could be at a Jeff Foxworthy concert, a monster truck rally, a Billy Graham revival meeting, or the Republican National Convention. They can even wear the same outfit to each event and no one notices.

They just stand there and jerk off all over the flag. The last one to come has to eat it, and they will do so gladly. Live on national television. Who doesn't want to watch?

I am not much for cuddling after I've climaxed. So, you are not going to get anymore political rants out of me until after the election. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. Don't mind me if I just roll over and go to sleep. If you have to leave before I get up, I threw your underwear between the bed and the wall in the heat of passion. Call me.