One of the most popular things for publishers and authors to do these days is to "expand and update" previous non-fiction bestsellers. You see it all over the place. Just walk into any Barnes and Noble and try to get out of there without being bombarded with books that are in some way different than their original publications. New chapters, new prologues, the whole nine yards.
One book is noticeably absent from this list of expanded and updated books: The Bible. Now, this presents a problem because if any book is in desperate need of some clarification, revision, author's explanation, and a fresh re-release it is the Bible. In reality, there is nothing wrong with the Bible, except for the fact that fundamentalist Christians (which are so plentiful down in these parts) believe that every word written in the Bible is the divine word of God. That part of the brain that tells you, "OK, this was written a really long time ago by men that were completely influenced by their cultural and social setting" has been deprived of oxygen too long. This is why it must be revised, explained, updated, and include a forward both by Oprah Winfrey and Sir Elton John.
I can just see it now: "Welcome to this new, improved, and revised edition of the Holy Word. Girl, this ain't your momma's Bible. And it ain't gonna try to make me no slave. So, stop feeling bad every time you pick up the good book. Oh no girl, this Bible will help you remember your Spirit. It will be featured this month in my book club. So, join Gail, Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Steadman, the fab five, and myself as we read through this great new edition of a timeless classic. Truly, Oprah"
"Thanks Oprah, I could not agree more. That's correct folks, this edition of the holy scriptures is going to turn King James on his head. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll actually want to become a Christian! It makes Sodom look like the fabulous place it must have been, exposes Paul for the closet case we all suspected he might be, and brings the dusty, old prophets to life. Don't let the sun go down on you without reading this fresh edition. It will be your candle in the wind, your song, and it will make the Sabbath night alright with you! Can you feel the love tonight? I can. So pour yourself a nice cup of tea, put on your favorite pair of eccentric sunglasses with matching Technicolor Dream coat and wade around in this lovely number. Could not recommend it more. Chao, Sir Elton."
It, of course, will have rave reviews written in bold text on the back cover.
"It brought the old, anti-women, genocidal, racist, bigoted verses to life in a new way. I recommend it to anyone who has ever been forced to sit in church as a child."
-Tori Amos, hardcore, no nonsense, bitch.
"I just could not get enough of the new Leviticus. It's like they brought sexy back, but it a whole new way. You won't even want to shave your sideburns or eat pork."
-Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson impersonator.
"This is the most blasphemous thing that I have ever read. All you faggots are going to burn in hell. Vote Giuliani!
-Pat Roberton, dirty asshole.
"Where my gays at? Oh, reading the new Bible, of course! This new Jesus sure knows how to party, doesn't he? Water into wine, whatever. That's so 29 AD. How about a Tom Collins with a twist of lime or dirty vodka martini with extra olives. You'll find all this and more inside. I'm down with you, new Jesus. Call me!"
-Kathy Griffin, charming, red head loudmouth extraordinaire.
"The Christians are going to flip their proverbial shit! Love it. LOVE IT! It is so in step with the latest science that I simply am speechless. I take back every bad thing I ever said about the B-I-B-L-E. It really is the book for me! "
Richard Dawkins, atheist astrophysicist.
"I was skeptical, but this version really is the greatest story ever tizold. The pop up pages for this limited edition version of the book of Revelation got me hizooked. It is off the chain. I don't want no 666, yo."
-Snoop Dogg, gun totin', mother fuckin', rapper.
"I am rolling over and over, again. May God have mercy on your souls. You people that read this book are the reason 9/11 happened."
Jerry Falwell, six feet under.
"The blooper appendix was my personal favorite. Who knew Moses could be so funny? That kidder! 11th commandment, thou shalt be hilarious!."
-Ellen DeGeneres, comedian, talk show host
"A Black Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. This pasty white Jesus adopted by the Roman Catholics centuries ago is not going to bring new hope to America. Only a soulful, swing low, sweet chariot Jesus can do that. Pharaoh, let my people go, indeed!"
-Rev. Jesse Jackson, crazy civil rights leader.
"These pages bump, bump, bumped me into a new understanding of God's divine word. I bet the front cover looks great. I sure wish I could hear people talk about it!"
-Helen Keller, inspiration to us all.
And perhaps the most important endorsement:
"I am so glad that someone came along to paint me in hip, cool kind of way. Because I am hip and I am cool. Many of my followers just don't get it. Remember when I called them "sheep." Yeah, that wasn't a parable. Special thanks to Oprah, and my boy Elton for pushing this new version. The angels love it, and the saints simply cannot get enough of it. So, pick yourself up a copy. I give it the triple threat seal of approval, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I told you I was coming back!"
-Jesus Christ, currently seated just to right of the big guy upstairs.
So, what do you say. Wouldn't it be wonderful? A new version of the Bible: expanded and updated for today's society. No more condemnation, homophobia, sexism, racism, slavery, burning, boils, leprosy, fear, hatred, or Southern Baptists. Just imagine. Coming to a bookstore near you!
6 comments:
I admire your idealism. ;)
brilliant!
insightful, witty, scandalous and provocative. pour some milk over it and i'm in!!!!
Ya know, only the right person could have written this. It was sooo funny. I was skeptical but wow, wow! hehehe...I like the Jesus comment the best..I always thought he was black!
I recently found your blog, read some it and thought I’d comment here on some foundational issues.
By what standard, what measurement of justice, on what criteria, on what basis, do you make your assertions about the Bible?
I’ve spent the last 20 years of my life studying theology and particularly textual criticism and I find that such flippant dismissal of it to be rather... ignorant.
I know that sounds insulting, I don’t mean to be so, it is just that I find that people who make such assertions haven’t bothered to study the subject and tend to be just having a knee-jerk reaction against a misperception of the Bible and Christians.
People who claim to be Christians can be such jerks... I know... I’ve been one. But whatever bad experiences we ahd with Christians or the church shouldn’t be the cause of our rejection of Jesus Christ.
Answer me this, how does a book being old make it less credible? If it was written in the 1980's would it be too old? 70's? 60's? 1849? 1776? 1492?
It is the young, naive and foolish that think they are wiser than their forefathers or that people who lived 2,000 years ago were "primitive." They may not have been technologically advanced, but as a 42 year old who has been around the world a few times I would say that people today are no different than they were 2,000 years ago.
Same issues, same problems... and there is still the same solution.
The fall of mankind into sin brought slavery, misery, death, the breakdown of the household (divorce), and the bondage to.... yes... sin. That includes the distortion of the sexual desires and passions.
I know, I was enslaved for 10 years to gay porn.
The trajectory of the Bible beginning from the Old Covenant leads away from polygamy, slavery, and bondage by regulating it and fencing it. Although it permitted divorce and such things it did so because of the hardness of the people's hearts. The New Covenant however has an even higher standard and offers even greater freedom.
But not without cost.
It cost God's Son his life and it costs the follower of Jesus to give up their own way of doing things, picking up their own cross and following him.
Okay, I know you think I am just a loony Bible thumper... but I spent a lot of years doing stupid things, thinking that I was smarter and wiser than previous generations but in the end all it brought me was years of regret.
The Bible doesn’t need to be revised or its ethics readjusted by modern or postmodern relativism.
What needs to be adjusted and revised is our own life. It begins with a little humility with which we cease to make ourselves god and judge, and find that His Word is true and the word that dismisses the Scriptures to be just another lie.... “Has God said? You will not die! You will be as gods!” (Genesis 3:4-5)
I know what it is like to find yourself a teenager with raging hormones, desiring to have sex with guys when your friends want to be with girls. But I also know that such desires are like wanting to drink water from the ocean when you are thirsty.
The need to be loved and affirmed by another man is a legitimate need and desire. The sexualization of that desire is where is goes wrong... it won’t scratch your itch... you truly meet the desires of your heart... but only lead to more brokeness.
I will pray for ya man.
A couple of things. First of all, being enslaved in gay porn sounds hot. wait, in? anyhow...
secondly, andrew please quit drinking from the ocean and lick a vagina. i think that was god's eleventh commandment.
Finally, I love christians. They are so amusing! like a monkey with a tux and those tiny cymbals!
Post a Comment