Let the Games Begin

OK, so the time has come for me to weigh in on the Presidential Election that we have coming up, and all of the wonderful candidates that we get to see every time we turn on the TV. I am a lover of politics, and all things political. Really, things would be better if I ran the world, but I realize this is just never going to happen.

What in the hell is up with these Republican candidates? I mean, seriously. This is bottom of the barrel kinda shit, folks. What a bunch of homophobic, apocalyptic assholes. This is "scrape that resin outta this pipe so we can get high just one more time" kinda bullshit. Pure poppycock. That's right, I said it: poppycock. When they are not jerking off President Bush, or talking about how well the war is going, they are out there on the campaign trail talking about changing the Constitution to fit God's law.

"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution," Mike Huckabee told a Michigan audience on Monday. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Now, I am no fool. I am sure that Mike Huckabee does not really believe this. Just like I am sure that most of the candidates really could give two shits about gay marriage or a woman's right to choose. However, their constituency does. Talking about the Ten Commandments and how the Mexicans are stealing all of our jobs really gets these people horny.

I imagine a Republican primary porno going something like this: "Oh, John, tell me about what you're going to do to all the illegals coming across the border. Oh Mitt, you're such a bad boy with your special underpants, tell me more about how much you're like Ronald Reagan. Rudy, tie me down, pull my hair, spank my ass and talk about 9/11 some more while you rock those high heels." And of course, you have Huckabee in the corner touching himself under a trench coat. Because we all know that penises are dirty. You get the picture, and it is not pretty.

This is why you have gotta love primary season. The general election is fairly tame in comparison. But, the extremes from both parties get really worked up and the candidates line up to compete for who can be the most crazy. For the Democrats, its who loves black people the most. Who is the most disgusted with President Bush? Who is going to bring free lasik eye surgery to all Americans in the first 100 hours of being sworn in? Who is going to raise the minimum wage to $15 a hour? You know, that kinda stuff.

But the Republicans are just so much more fun to watch. This is for one simple reason: the extremes of their party are just so much fucking crazier than the Democrats. They hear voices from God, hate the poor, are scared to fucking death of gay people, think Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity are news broadcasters, and simply cannot wait until Ann Coulter's new book drops. The only thing that would make these folks any stranger would be the observance of some form of animal sacrifice.

I would like to know how many of you out there have ever been fired from your job to be replaced my an immigrant who does not speak English. I have heard this happens in alarming numbers, but have never actually seen it happen. Also, I would like to meet all the divorcees whose marriages feel apart when Adam and Steve moved in next door. I also have heard that this is becoming tragically common. Also, I am completely baffled by how many lower middle class Americans love the Bush tax cut. I hope you spent that $250 wisely. Its like a little puppy that loves you because you let him eat the scraps that fall onto the floor, even though your fat ass is the one having the feast. But, I digress.

Honestly though, I would not want to have a election process without Republicans because their social conservative base is just so ripe for the satirical picking. You can always spot them with their mullets, patriotic t-shirts that somehow always incorporate a flying eagle and a tattered American flag, and NRA bumper stickers. The combination of redneck, hick Jesus (not to be confused with social justice Jesus), guns, taxidermy, Rush Limbaugh on speed dial, business in the front, party in the back, Islamaphobia, and Chuck Norris is almost too much for this guy to handle.

Ah, yes. And we have ten months to go. Let the games begin.