Man, I Feel Like a Woman

When I was in high school, dick tricks were hilarious. One of the funniest things you could do with your penis was to stick it between your legs and walk around like you had a vagina. My friends and I called it “vagina man,” but I am sure that there are multiple names for this phenomenon. I would imagine that cavemen, once they had finished hunting mammoths and warring with neighboring tribes, also did this. I bet Og and Thor would wait until all the cavewomen were out for girls night and the thought just came to them. It is just funny and immature. Men will continue to do this until long after my time on Earth is through.

Now, actually having a vagina is not something that I envy. I can only imagine the kind of maintenance those things require: the annual checkups, the periods, the babies that come out of them. Yikes. However, there is a new perk that comes with having a vagina. You can be John McCain’s running mate. It is apparently the only requirement for the job.

I imagine the letter that was sent out to potential candidates from his vice presidential committee:

Dear Madam,

This is John McCain. Do you have a vagina? Then I want you. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have made history with their respective candidacies for president, and I am feeling a little left out. I figure that I can make up for my whopping failures in the coolness department by nominating the first woman to be on a Republican Presidential ticket.

Now I have a slight problem. The Republican Party does not respect women and as a result there are slim pickens in the female department. So, who will answer my call? It’s three a.m. and I’m waiting.

Love, John

Well we are in luck, because Sarah Palin, the first term governor of Alaska and NASCAR enthusiast, has answered the call. Jon Stewart put it brilliantly when he compared her to a cross between Tina Fey and every naughty librarian you see in 80s porn. Beautiful woman, really, but also a little bit crazy.

Now the Republican establishment has lined up like good little soldiers to support this new superstar of Republican stardom. Kay Bailey Hutchison, senior Senator from Texas and most qualified Republican with vagina, was very sweet on Fox News when she said, through gritted teeth, that she knew absolutely nothing about Palin but was excited to see the historic nomination. Pro-lifers have gone into a fetal rights frenzy over her Down’s syndrome child and her pregnant teenage daughter. Look at how she walks the walk while she talks the talk, they say. It’s enough to make you want to get pregnant just so you can have an abortion.

Hillary Clinton was even forced to make a comment that equated to “that’s nice John.” I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when Hill-dog found out about the nomination. I am sure that after the Clinton black rage, hate filled musk had settled she said something along the lines of “I didn’t make 18 million cracks in that glass ceiling for this tramp to come in a steal my thunder.” Or at least that's what she should have said.

Can someone say cat fight? Meow. Oh, it’s so on. Let’s see if Palin is lacking in self awareness enough to mention Hillary’s name in her speech at the Republican Convention next week like she did this week when she made her acceptance speech. Sarah, that bitch will kill you. She’s done a lot more for a lot less.

But Senator Lindsey Graham takes the cake. He said on one of those fair and balanced news shows that “any woman that gets up at three in the morning to hunt moose is OK by me.” Quit hitting the sauce, Lindsey. What a stupid thing to say. I am only impressed if after she’s brought down said moose she guts it with her rock hard nipples from braving the arctic tundra.

Gun rights advocates, who have never been to the Southside of Philly, can’t wait to have her appear on next month’s cover of Guns and Ammo. Republicans, however, should be careful about vice presidents who like to hunt. Dick Cheney, anyone? Although, receiving buckshot in the face from a beautiful woman is a bit more tantalizing than from a dried up, two faced, lying windbag.

All in all, I am thrilled that Sarah Palin is running with John McCain. He could not have picked someone less qualified, more anti-woman, more inexperienced, from a more obscure state, or with a hotter bod. Move over Cindy McCain, there’s a new bimbo in town and she doesn’t get her hair color from a bottle. I cannot wait to see Palin and Biden go at it in the debates. She is probably all the wiser to just stick to the naughty librarian routine and at least make it interesting.

So, fellas, the game has changed. What used to be a white man’s sport is now being played by women and black men. Next time you and your friends are bonding with dick tricks, tuck it in nice and tight. While dick tricks will be around forever, having a vagina now has some new perks!