The Sky Is Falling!

I encountered two seemingly different points of view today on the subject of the end of the world. It is of interest to those of us who used to believe a certain way about things, and have since entered a Renaissance.

The first subject is that of Pastor John Hagee, and what he is spouting about the End Times. Hagee is a mega-church evangelical pastor in San Antonio that has in large part taken over the terrible void that was left in the evangelical community when Jerry Falwell died, may he rest in relative discomfort. Hagee is seen by tens of thousands of rapture enthusiasts each week, on top of his 19,000 member church congregation. Now, his public statements have come under some scrutiny since he has publicly endorsed John McCain for President. Here are some of my all time favorites:

"Most readers will be shocked by the clear record of history linking Adolf Hitler and the Roman Catholic Church in a conspiracy to exterminate the Jews." - from his book, Jerusalem Countdown.

"All hurricanes are acts of God because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that." -Interview with NPR

"I don't believe in global warming. " -Interview with CNN, October 12, 2007

So, this guy is clearly a great resource to get all your up to date End Times news, right? While I have not actually read one of his books, I pretty sure I catch his drift. I am sitting there listening to him talk about the End Times. The basic drift of his message is this: There is going to be an earthquake of all earthquakes and a great nuclear holocaust in Israel. Then the Antichrist is going to come into the world, get shot in the head and come back to life, implant us all with microchips, and create a one world government and religion that is going to somehow be antithetical to whatever Jesus wants. And, if you don't believe him, he will ensure you that is all in the Bible. I can't remember whether or not the Christians are getting raptured before or after this happens. I am amazed that there are enough people that are into this shit that there is a thriving End Times industry out there that gives this nut the time of day, but I guess it takes all kinds.

Hagee has all sorts of clever ways of taking obscure passages of the Bible out of context and then twisting them to support his fairy tale. He was able, by the end of the interview, to support his view that the Bible says Russia will enter into another Cold War with the United States for control of the oil reserves in the Middle East. Excuse me, what? I would love to play this guy in a game of RISK. I would kick his Bible thumpin' ass.

The idea of oil brings us to the second subject I was confronted with today. There are a growing number of voices in the scientific community that are warning the general public about the reality of what is called "peak oil." Basically "peak oil" refers to the time in the relatively near future when global oil production will peak, and everyday after that humans will pull less and less oil out of the ground. There does not seem to be a good consensus about when this will happen, but almost certainly in my lifetime.

Now, it is important to remember that "peak oil" is not the same as being out of oil. But as demand will only increase due to population and development, particularly in young global economies like India, when oil production peaks supply will decrease every single day after that. So, when demand overtakes supply and the gap keeps getting wider and wider by the day...well, I won't get into the specifics. If you don't understand the problem that this causes, go ask John Hagee.

Everything in our life has been built around the idea that we have an endless supply of cheap energy. It keeps our food supply fully stocked and cheap, makes international trade and travel possible, allows us to heat and cool our homes, and is literally the driving force of the economy. So, as I am watching this program I realize that this scientist on the television is talking about the exact same thing as Homo-hater Hagee: The end of civilization as we know it.

Now, if I was a betting man, I would say that the peak oil people are probably a little closer to reality. I mean everyone can admit that fossil fuels, which come from millions of years of biological decomposition, are a non-renewable resource. So, there is a finite amount of oil on the planet, and we are getting much closer to when our production will peak. And, we have not done our homework in advance to switch seamlessly into a form of renewable energy to keep up with our present usage or future demand. Shit.

So, when we can no longer get into our cars to travel to work, and the food can no longer get from place to place to fill the grocery store, and people can no longer use the same amount of electricity, and when there is a drought you will die of thirst, it will certainly be a different time. But, will this be the tribulation Pastor Hagee speaks about? Not unless the first 15,000 years of human history without oil were just one long, clusterfuck of tribulation. But, you can rest assured that is precisely what people like John Hagee will be telling their loyal followers.

Does it still count as the End Times if you can see the potential disaster coming and choose to continuing living in such a way that is causing it to come faster? What if the problem is not God's wrath on all the feminists and Palestinians, but rather on society's addiction to dirty, non-renewable energy?

A few possible solutions have been suggested to deal with the peak oil crisis. One is to begin to restructure cities and small towns to operate in smaller units. Have every neighborhood provide an economy unto itself in order to provide society with all the essentials of food, water, shelter, and employment all within walking distance of the neighborhood. No car, very limited trade. Any way you cut it, all the solutions deal with cutting back on economic growth while humans perfect the technology of renewable energy to be able to cope with the global future demand.

However, End Timers like John Hagee, consistently point to the certain "signs" of the End Times. Here are a short list of those signs:

1)The rebirth of Israel
2)The invention of the nuclear weapon
3)The invention of international television
4)The Ease of international travel
5)The rise of a global economy
6) The Marvelous Inter-web.

All these things in combination are going to work together to bring about the type of environment where the Antichrist can take control of every single person on the planet, Hagee argues. The Perfect Storm, as it were.

One small problem. If the "peak oil" people are right about this peak oil stuff, then humans are going to experience a problem in being able to keep all these lovely modern advances running cheaply enough to provide them to everybody. The Perfect Storm has just turned South, missing the point completely! Suddenly a large portion of the world's population stops receiving a television signal, and only the very wealthy will be able to afford a plane ticket to another country. Some are even predicting it will be worse.

So, it looks like Hagee might be jumping the gun with the whole Antichrist thing. But shit, he's got to say something or his sheep will stop listening. End Times doom and gloom is big business. And the best part of it is that it's all emotional based sensationalism, so it stands up very well against, say, scientific evaluation. So, when the problems start with the worldwide shortage of energy and all the additional side effects, you will hear people like Hagee saying things like "see, I told you so."

When that time comes, I will pull out this blog, written in 2008, and recall my own version of prophecy. Then, I will turn off the television, which isn't getting a signal anyway, put on my walking shoes, and go out there to campaign for the highest position in the land: President of my local township!

Warning: Reading this may cause cancer.

Every time you crack open an ice cold beer or reach for that pack of smokes, you are reminded by the authority of the Surgeon General of the United States, that your activities could have hazardous effects on your health. A variety of pleasurable activities are consistently deemed "risky" or "dangerous" by the government. And the purpose of all of this is so that you, as an adult, can make an informed decision about what you are getting yourself into. However, there is a governmental warning missing off of a very important activity that millions of Americans perform each week: fundamentalist religion.

If the government called me up and asked me to formulate a warning label which was to be stuck into the preface of all religious texts (including, but not limited to the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, the Joel Osteen books, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Papal Decrees, Mel Gibson movies, and O Magazine) it would read something like this: The Surgeon General has concluded that believing every word in this book came directly from God can cause difficulty functioning in the real world. Risks include, but are not limited to, delusions of grandeur, actively preparing yourself to be raptured, inability to reconcile reality with your world view, the acquisition of an imaginary friend, and your inability to understand those that you love most.

I think that would adequately describe the symptoms of someone who thinks that their way is the only way to understand God, or the world, or love, or war, or peace, or the afterlife. However, the illness lays dormant for some time before the symptoms appear. The symptoms are generally brought up upon some sort of world view conflict where the stakes are too high to keep ignoring the inconsistencies. Unfortunately, the longer you have held these beliefs and the more time, money, and effort you have invested into your way being the "divine truth," the harder the fall.

Every fundamentalist at some point is going to have to come to terms with the fact that they have been lied to. Lied to by their spiritual leader, the manipulation of their holy book, and their community of friends that constantly reinforced their belief system. Religion takes perfectly kindhearted, well meaning individuals, and turns them into propaganda and recruitment soldiers for the cause. And, just like terrorists, religious leaders use extreme fear to influence the behavior of the general population. Although, the threat of burning in hell for all eternity is a bit more extreme and painful than any terrorist attack the world has yet seen.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this, is that it is done under the guise that somehow they are speaking for God. Fuck you guys! I am pretty sure that if God was to talk to people, it would not be these people. And to top it all off, spiritual leaders are self appointed ideologues that claim to be sent by God. That has got to piss Him off! However, he truly must be patient and loving, because for more than 4000 years he has allowed these psychopaths to mistake their personal reservations about human behavior and quest for political power as His words. When you're convinced that God conveniently hates all the same things that you hate, rest assured that you're an asshole.

Having a strong sense of spirituality is to be praised. Feeling a connection to the source of all life is a divine thing. Religion, however, is toxic. And it will eventually catch up to you. So, next time you see a "God Hates Fags" sign, or hear some right wing nut going on about how God is crying about all the aborted babies, or that catastrophic disasters are God's judgment on those who do not believe the same way that they do, feel free to extend your middle finger. I mean, it is your God given right.

And remember, next time you pick up that bible, or step into that church or mosque: fundamentalist religion may be hazardous to your health.

The Attack of the 50 foot Mexican Woman!

So, a little more than a month has past since my last entry. I have had a few people ask me recently if I had given up blogging, but I assured them that I was merely taking a hiatus. Really, I could not think about anything funny to write about. I guess February just was not a particularly funny month for me.

There is something that I have been thinking about lately, however. Now I realize that I probably follow politics more closely than some. It is like my Super Bowl, if you will. Only is more like the Olympics, with the every four years thing and all.

I truly believe that politics, with the issues that get addressed in a campaign season and the political conservations that occur in large and small settings, offer a very candid picture of where we are socially in this country . And the picture is slightly dismal.

Due to the dynamics of the individuals that are left in this presidential race, two of the oldest "isms" have been given a chance to get some fresh air: racism and sexism. Perhaps it is the case that one or both of these two "isms" will be a critical factor in the outcome of the election in November, much like homophobia was conjured up to Bush's advantage in 2004.

Now, I am not talking about racism in the form that most people are familiar with. One thing this election cycle has revealed so far is how racism in this country has shifted. The Democratic Party is currently in the position to select either the first female or African American nominee for President. An African American presidential nominee would not have been socially possible 30 years ago. Now, Obama's ethnicity is almost an advantage for his campaign because part of his appeal to young voters is the symbolic nature of what his presidency would say about the success of the civil rights movement.

Meanwhile one of the primary issues on the campaign trail, at least for the Republicans, is the issue of illegal immigration. Regardless of how much they may try to come at this issue from the standpoint of national security, there is simply no denying the fact that an element of racism rears its ugly head in this debate. This is obvious in the way that they approach solutions to this immigration problem. The immigrants themselves should be punished, jailed, fined, deported, and then sent to the back of the line.

Now given the economic realities of what is driving this mass pilgrimage, these undocumented workers are not doing anything that any other rational human being would do given their situation. Providing basic necessities to their families in Mexico and Central America trumps U.S Immigration Law in their eyes, and there is never a shortage of employers that are willing to fly under the radar to help alleviate their labor costs. So, it is really hard to buy into this whole argument that these immigrants are in some way destroying America. If you want to attack the problem you don't need to build a fence. You need to punish the people with the power and the money that are creating the environment ripe for undocumented workers to come here. To do it the other way around is to draw a line between "us" and "them." The debate is framed in terms of the "patriotic Americans who defend the foundations of this country and its borders" and the "people who come over here for a free handout and a suckle on Lady Liberty's teet." I don't know about you, but I have never met an illegal immigrant that was "well off" or was living the high life. It's fucking hard work. Give them a break!

Here is the point. Racism against African Americans is not only much less prevalent than in the past, it is also met with harsh consequences when it happens. Remember Don Imus, anyone? But, a racist sediment against Latinos seems to be on the rise, and is useful to certain politicians trying to push "wedge issues." Granted, it is not blatant racism in the way blacks in the South were treated for generations. That kind of racism is no longer acceptable, and that in an of itself indicates major progress. But, politicians need to actually tackle the cause of this immigration and the current realities that fuel it, rather than pander to whatever fucked up part of the human brain evolved to be afraid of that which is different.

Another reality that the current political campaigns reveal about American social life in 2008 is that sexism is far more acceptable than racism. If Hillary Clinton was a man, which some might argue that she secretly is (which ironically underscores my exact point), she would have had the nomination in the bag long ago. The Clintons are adored by Democrats and reviled by Republicans. But, the reality is that...she is a WOMAN! Oh my God! We can't have a woman running the country! What is going to happen during those days when her hormones cause her to act crazy towards other world leaders! And she cries on the campaign trail! She showed how weak she really was when she took back that cheating husband of hers! Bitch. Jesus Christ, does it get more Lifetime movie than this shit?

These are the most common reasons, or protests, I hear from people that hate Hillary Clinton. Now, in their defense they have hated her since the dawn of time. They did not like her in the 90s and now that she is clearly the woman who has come the closest to the presidency in American history, she is certainly something to be feared.

Now there are plenty of reasons to like or to dislike Hillary's campaign and the thought of another Clinton presidency. (Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton. Am I seeing a pattern?) You can have problems with her heath care plan, or her position on NAFTA, or her vote to authorize the war, but her gender is not a legitimate attack. It would be great to see her judged primarily by the ideas in her head rather than the plumbing between her legs. She is an intelligent, independent, outspoken firecracker, and society is not yet at a point were they can handle all that from a woman.

This sexism has its historical roots even deeper than American racism. Remember what the Bible says about women? Sit down, shut up, and ask a man later on. For generations in Western culture women were the property of their husbands. In parts of the world today, women have to endure the cutting of their clitoris because their sexuality does not belong to them. It belongs to their husband, but not the other way around. It is this ugly tradition that creates the deep seeded fear so many people have about women in leadership. One needs only to look at the success of female leadership in Great Britain, Germany, New Zealand, Chile, and India to see that the world does not stop spinning on its axis because a man is lead by or take orders from a woman.

But the basic argument against Hillary Clinton from on the far right that oppose her comes down to just this. To chalk Hillary up to a "loud mouth bitch" is not to say anything that has not been said over and over again by the far right for the past 15 years. A sexist slur like that is commonly overlooked. You will not, however, catch them using a racial slur when attacking Barack Obama. Can you imagine the outrage? Although, Bill O'Reilly did recently say that he did not want to go on a lynching party for Michele Obama. Whew, thanks for clearing that up, Bill. See, that's real progress. Change we can believe in, as it were.

So, what does this all say about American society? Well, you could take the high road and say that while we have made great progress with the racism against African Americans in this country we need to dispel all racism from our politics. We could also acknowledge that the way that many of us view and treat women is based archaic beliefs and that must change! Or, you could just find yourself a Latina immigrant in a leadership position and work yourself into a frenzy. A "mullet fantasia" if you will. I can assure you the politicians and commentators who want to play the race and gender card this season are hoping for the latter.

Coming to a bookstore near you!

One of the most popular things for publishers and authors to do these days is to "expand and update" previous non-fiction bestsellers. You see it all over the place. Just walk into any Barnes and Noble and try to get out of there without being bombarded with books that are in some way different than their original publications. New chapters, new prologues, the whole nine yards.

One book is noticeably absent from this list of expanded and updated books: The Bible. Now, this presents a problem because if any book is in desperate need of some clarification, revision, author's explanation, and a fresh re-release it is the Bible. In reality, there is nothing wrong with the Bible, except for the fact that fundamentalist Christians (which are so plentiful down in these parts) believe that every word written in the Bible is the divine word of God. That part of the brain that tells you, "OK, this was written a really long time ago by men that were completely influenced by their cultural and social setting" has been deprived of oxygen too long. This is why it must be revised, explained, updated, and include a forward both by Oprah Winfrey and Sir Elton John.

I can just see it now: "Welcome to this new, improved, and revised edition of the Holy Word. Girl, this ain't your momma's Bible. And it ain't gonna try to make me no slave. So, stop feeling bad every time you pick up the good book. Oh no girl, this Bible will help you remember your Spirit. It will be featured this month in my book club. So, join Gail, Maya Angelou, Toni Morrison, Steadman, the fab five, and myself as we read through this great new edition of a timeless classic. Truly, Oprah"

"Thanks Oprah, I could not agree more. That's correct folks, this edition of the holy scriptures is going to turn King James on his head. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll actually want to become a Christian! It makes Sodom look like the fabulous place it must have been, exposes Paul for the closet case we all suspected he might be, and brings the dusty, old prophets to life. Don't let the sun go down on you without reading this fresh edition. It will be your candle in the wind, your song, and it will make the Sabbath night alright with you! Can you feel the love tonight? I can. So pour yourself a nice cup of tea, put on your favorite pair of eccentric sunglasses with matching Technicolor Dream coat and wade around in this lovely number. Could not recommend it more. Chao, Sir Elton."

It, of course, will have rave reviews written in bold text on the back cover.

"It brought the old, anti-women, genocidal, racist, bigoted verses to life in a new way. I recommend it to anyone who has ever been forced to sit in church as a child."
-Tori Amos, hardcore, no nonsense, bitch.

"I just could not get enough of the new Leviticus. It's like they brought sexy back, but it a whole new way. You won't even want to shave your sideburns or eat pork."
-Justin Timberlake, Michael Jackson impersonator.

"This is the most blasphemous thing that I have ever read. All you faggots are going to burn in hell. Vote Giuliani!
-Pat Roberton, dirty asshole.

"Where my gays at? Oh, reading the new Bible, of course! This new Jesus sure knows how to party, doesn't he? Water into wine, whatever. That's so 29 AD. How about a Tom Collins with a twist of lime or dirty vodka martini with extra olives. You'll find all this and more inside. I'm down with you, new Jesus. Call me!"
-Kathy Griffin, charming, red head loudmouth extraordinaire.

"The Christians are going to flip their proverbial shit! Love it. LOVE IT! It is so in step with the latest science that I simply am speechless. I take back every bad thing I ever said about the B-I-B-L-E. It really is the book for me! "
Richard Dawkins, atheist astrophysicist.

"I was skeptical, but this version really is the greatest story ever tizold. The pop up pages for this limited edition version of the book of Revelation got me hizooked. It is off the chain. I don't want no 666, yo."
-Snoop Dogg, gun totin', mother fuckin', rapper.

"I am rolling over and over, again. May God have mercy on your souls. You people that read this book are the reason 9/11 happened."
Jerry Falwell, six feet under.

"The blooper appendix was my personal favorite. Who knew Moses could be so funny? That kidder! 11th commandment, thou shalt be hilarious!."
-Ellen DeGeneres, comedian, talk show host

"A Black Jesus! That's what I'm talking about. This pasty white Jesus adopted by the Roman Catholics centuries ago is not going to bring new hope to America. Only a soulful, swing low, sweet chariot Jesus can do that. Pharaoh, let my people go, indeed!"
-Rev. Jesse Jackson, crazy civil rights leader.

"These pages bump, bump, bumped me into a new understanding of God's divine word. I bet the front cover looks great. I sure wish I could hear people talk about it!"
-Helen Keller, inspiration to us all.

And perhaps the most important endorsement:

"I am so glad that someone came along to paint me in hip, cool kind of way. Because I am hip and I am cool. Many of my followers just don't get it. Remember when I called them "sheep." Yeah, that wasn't a parable. Special thanks to Oprah, and my boy Elton for pushing this new version. The angels love it, and the saints simply cannot get enough of it. So, pick yourself up a copy. I give it the triple threat seal of approval, in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I told you I was coming back!"
-Jesus Christ, currently seated just to right of the big guy upstairs.

So, what do you say. Wouldn't it be wonderful? A new version of the Bible: expanded and updated for today's society. No more condemnation, homophobia, sexism, racism, slavery, burning, boils, leprosy, fear, hatred, or Southern Baptists. Just imagine. Coming to a bookstore near you!

Yes, We Can

I simply cannot pass up the opportunity to express with what joy I received the news of Barack's solid victory in South Carolina. This victory was in no way similar to Hillary's marginal wins in New Hampshire and Nevada. No, this was a 28 point victory. Voters from each demographic came out to vote for him 2 to 1 against the other candidates. I can only hope that this trend carries over into Super Tuesday on February 5th.

Barack Obama is a figure that America hardly recognizes anymore. The eloquent prose with which Obama projects his message fall on ears that have not heard such things since my parents were small children. There has never in my lifetime been a man with so much political potential, charisma, charm, or vision. I truly feel excited about the prospect of voting for him, in a way I have not felt about anyone I have voted for in the past.

This country is a dry, parched wasteland after the last seven years of Bush Administration policies. We are more divided than ever, more hateful than ever, more violent and fearful than ever, and along comes a ray of hope.

I grew up in a world where things were impossible. It was impossible have a black man, or a woman, become president. It was impossible to be honest about who you really were on the inside. It was impossible to question whether what you were being taught was the truth. It was impossible to stand up against the status quo, to create a new order. Fear controlled and consumed me. Kept me silent. Kept me invisible.

Yet, here is a man that tells me, "Yes we can." It is a simple, yet profound message that stirs the inner longings of the human spirit. We need to recognize the opportunity we have, as Americans, displayed before our eyes. There will be other chances, but let's take this chance. Let's realize Dr. King's dream. Let's carry on the tradition set by the great presidents and civil rights leaders of our history. Let's unite to elect a man who is hungry and passionate about leading us in a new direction. Someone who inspires us. Someone who gives us something to be proud of. Don't do it for the children. Do it for yourself.

Let the Games Begin

OK, so the time has come for me to weigh in on the Presidential Election that we have coming up, and all of the wonderful candidates that we get to see every time we turn on the TV. I am a lover of politics, and all things political. Really, things would be better if I ran the world, but I realize this is just never going to happen.

What in the hell is up with these Republican candidates? I mean, seriously. This is bottom of the barrel kinda shit, folks. What a bunch of homophobic, apocalyptic assholes. This is "scrape that resin outta this pipe so we can get high just one more time" kinda bullshit. Pure poppycock. That's right, I said it: poppycock. When they are not jerking off President Bush, or talking about how well the war is going, they are out there on the campaign trail talking about changing the Constitution to fit God's law.

"I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution," Mike Huckabee told a Michigan audience on Monday. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Now, I am no fool. I am sure that Mike Huckabee does not really believe this. Just like I am sure that most of the candidates really could give two shits about gay marriage or a woman's right to choose. However, their constituency does. Talking about the Ten Commandments and how the Mexicans are stealing all of our jobs really gets these people horny.

I imagine a Republican primary porno going something like this: "Oh, John, tell me about what you're going to do to all the illegals coming across the border. Oh Mitt, you're such a bad boy with your special underpants, tell me more about how much you're like Ronald Reagan. Rudy, tie me down, pull my hair, spank my ass and talk about 9/11 some more while you rock those high heels." And of course, you have Huckabee in the corner touching himself under a trench coat. Because we all know that penises are dirty. You get the picture, and it is not pretty.

This is why you have gotta love primary season. The general election is fairly tame in comparison. But, the extremes from both parties get really worked up and the candidates line up to compete for who can be the most crazy. For the Democrats, its who loves black people the most. Who is the most disgusted with President Bush? Who is going to bring free lasik eye surgery to all Americans in the first 100 hours of being sworn in? Who is going to raise the minimum wage to $15 a hour? You know, that kinda stuff.

But the Republicans are just so much more fun to watch. This is for one simple reason: the extremes of their party are just so much fucking crazier than the Democrats. They hear voices from God, hate the poor, are scared to fucking death of gay people, think Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity are news broadcasters, and simply cannot wait until Ann Coulter's new book drops. The only thing that would make these folks any stranger would be the observance of some form of animal sacrifice.

I would like to know how many of you out there have ever been fired from your job to be replaced my an immigrant who does not speak English. I have heard this happens in alarming numbers, but have never actually seen it happen. Also, I would like to meet all the divorcees whose marriages feel apart when Adam and Steve moved in next door. I also have heard that this is becoming tragically common. Also, I am completely baffled by how many lower middle class Americans love the Bush tax cut. I hope you spent that $250 wisely. Its like a little puppy that loves you because you let him eat the scraps that fall onto the floor, even though your fat ass is the one having the feast. But, I digress.

Honestly though, I would not want to have a election process without Republicans because their social conservative base is just so ripe for the satirical picking. You can always spot them with their mullets, patriotic t-shirts that somehow always incorporate a flying eagle and a tattered American flag, and NRA bumper stickers. The combination of redneck, hick Jesus (not to be confused with social justice Jesus), guns, taxidermy, Rush Limbaugh on speed dial, business in the front, party in the back, Islamaphobia, and Chuck Norris is almost too much for this guy to handle.

Ah, yes. And we have ten months to go. Let the games begin.

Not in Kansas Anymore

Ok, let me set the scene. I am just settling in for the evening. Shiner in hand, listening to classic rock on Pandora. Just seems like one of those nights, you know?

I wrestled with my "voice" for this thing. How should I sound? It would be great to sound clever, intelligent, and witty at all times, but I can promise this will not be the case. So, just a little disclaimer, get over it now. I figure I will just be myself and write the things that I think. I am the only person who is even going to read this thing anyway, right?

However, tonight I want to share with you an experience that I am sure many people out there have not had the pleasure, or perhaps pain, of experiencing: Going to a small town gay bar!

First, let me say that I have copious amounts of respect for small town gay bars. People that open small town gay bars in the south assume a certain amount of risk and certainly face societal pressure that owners of straight bars do not. I have nothing but love for these people. For the rural gay community a small town gay bar is vitally important. Sometimes you just want to hang out with gay people and not worry about outward impression. There is a certain amount of calm about being with people like yourself, and that's not gay, that's human. That said, let's make fun of them, shall we?

Just to make sure that you have the right picture in your head, please refer to the picture at the top of this post. A little larger, mind you, but you get the idea. Here in East Texas, perhaps the gays are trying to camouflage their bars so that the Evangelicals (evees) can't so easily identify which ones to picket. In fact, a small town gay bar is not for all gays. If you're a gay from a major metropolitan area, use caution. You are not in Kansas anymore.

The main reason for this is that the gay community is about as homogeneous as the straight community. So, when there is only one gay bar within a 50 mile radius, suddenly there are people all crammed into one bar that really should never be under the same roof.

First, gay men and lesbians do not like the same music. You know you're in small town gay bar when the jukebox appears to be in some sort of bipolar episode. "Cupid's Shuffle" is followed by "My Sacrifice" by Creed and then Britney Spears precedes Kid Rock. Lesbians love sweet guitar rifts and gay men just want to be able to rub up on each other to a techno beat. I think that God intended this all along and gets a real kick outta seeing the scene play out from his fabulous throne in the sky.

In fact, not quite appreciating the dynamics of the situation after my fourth beer, I turned to the lovely lesbian sitting next to me that I had just met after a Pat Green song came on the jukebox and said, "God, what straight person put this song on?" To which she replied, "I like this song." Of course she did.

However, gay men and lesbians, particular in small town gay bars, know that they have to share and be nice. Let me set the scene: A very well kept gay man, with toned muscles, plucked eyebrows and a skin tight button up, is cohabitating in a bar with a butch lesbian, dawning the latest flannel, unbuttoned, with white cotton undershirt. It conjures images of the Lion and the Lamb from biblical days. Not to say that a small town gay bar is like heaven, there are no members of the local Church of Christ present. I'm just sayin'.

Ok, so gay men and lesbians need their own bars, or at least separate nights. But, even with this adjustment it would not solve the quirkiness of small town gay bars. Now, I really don't know anything about lesbians and don't claim to, but gay men come in all varieties. All shapes, all sizes, different fetishes, different desires, differing levels of masculinity/femininity, differing appreciation for leather, cock rings, body hair, bondage, etc. You get the idea. So, in a small town gay bar, the leather daddy's, drag queens, metro gays, preppy gays, macho bisexuals, trannies, and confused straight people all gather under one roof. You can only imagine how
the situation is ripe for comedy.

One thing that I have learned is that gay people do not like each other. We cry for tolerance and then meticulously judge each other. This is intensified in a small town gay bar because you know, given the small sample pool, that somebody done slept with somebody. And that somebody is now with someone else, and the first somebody is not happy about this. Watch out! A bitch about to get hit. This tension, while not overpowering, is present.

Small town gay bars are also lacking in something that makes their larger city counterparts more desirable: lots of hot men, some with their shirts off. However, there is always someone who seems to think that, even though they are not adequately "working it", they can show up in skin tight clothes meet some other scene kid there and then do the dirtiest dancing to Cher, while no one else in on the dance floor. Now, if you are genuinely hot you can get away with this. But, you really have to be sure of yourself, or you turn into "that guy" really quick. And there are always those guys at a small town gay bar.

Another thing that will happen with a fair degree of regularity at a small town gay bar, is you will get hit on my someone who is far to old to be hitting on you. I used to be slightly bothered by this, but I have now come to accept this as something that is just going to happen. Most of these people are totally harmless, but they will attempt to booty dance with you inappropriately if you give them even the smallest of opportunities. When you are over 35, a small town gay bar is not a good place to try to meet someone 15 years your junior. But, it never fails. Maybe they don't know about the Internet.

The other thing that you find in many small town gay bars, or in particular a regular bar that has a "gay night", are straight people that are trying to access the situation that they find themselves in. Given that the gay bar in a small town is often camouflaged, straight people do indeed sometimes wander in. And, when you are not expecting it or looking for it, it might take a few minutes to figure out what is going on, and that you have made a mistake. Now, I am not taking about straight people who come to the gay bar with their gay friends. No, we love you people. I am talking about the couple who looks like they live just outside the city limits and have come into town to get their woman drunk so she'll be more complacent when he has sex with her later. These people react one of two ways. A) They never figure it out and wonder why all the women look like construction workers or B) they do figure it out, and they leave.

Now, what is very fun is when you are going into the bar just as someone who figured out what is going on inside is coming out. You don't get the friendly head nod. Oh, no, you don't. It is more like they look at you like you are some form of foreign life form. Not necessarily in a hateful way, but just in a way that says "I had no idea you people lived here."

But, we do live here. So, thank God for small town gay bars. Without them, those of us that do live here would go insane. And, if you ever get the chance and feel like you're up to it, you should go to one. Its not pretty, but its real. And you can't ask much more than that.